Forced Triple

(INT. College dorm room. MICHAEL has just moved in and is setting up. JEFF knocks on the open door and enters with a crate.)

JEFF

Hey, is this room 316?

MICHAEL

I hope so — otherwise I’m in the wrong place.

JEFF

Cool. I think we’re going to be roommates…?

MICHAEL

Looks that way — nice to meet you!

JEFF

Yeah, nice to meet you too!

MICHAEL

I got in about an hour ago so I started setting up my stuff already. I hope that’s not a problem.

JEFF

No, not at all. As long as you’re cool with me hanging up this huge Animal House poster on the wall.

MICHAEL

Awesome! Yeah, go right ahead.

JEFF

Sweet. And we’ve got one more roommate, right?

MICHAEL

Yeah, but I haven’t seen him yet. Anyway, I’m Michael — I’m from Long Island.

JEFF

I’m Jeff — I’m from Chicago.

DENNIS

And I’m Dennis. I don’t know where I’m from because I was shuffled through the foster care system as a boy!

(DENNIS struggles in carrying a sleeping bag)

MICHAEL

Um…hey Dennis. Are you our third roommate?

DENNIS

Is this room 316?

JEFF

Yeah — it’s right on the door there.

DENNIS

Oh, that’s all gibberish to me. I have what the doctors call “shockingly bad dyslexia.” You know, the kind where any number above seven looks like wingdings and any number below seven is invisible? Yup, the deli counter is my own personal hell. But that’s all going to change now that I’m a college-man. College!

(DENNIS dances up against MICHAEL and JEFF, who don’t respond.)

DENNIS

Wow, would you take a look at this place? Sure beats my old digs, I’ll tell you that!

JEFF

Where were you living before?

DENNIS

Do you know the apartment complex next to the shantytown where that girl got killed? I’ve been living in the shantytown. Before that I was living with a burly fella named Patches who I met through a friend of an enemy, but he ended up kicking me out so he could use my bedroom to make a snuff film. Yup, it’s been a rough couple of months for old Dennis, but things sure are looking up now!

MICHAEL

Hey Dennis, I hope you don’t mind my saying so, but you look a little old to be a college student.

DENNIS

Oh, I’m 47 years old, Michael. But after I got caught up in my fifth pyramid scheme in as many weeks, I said to myself, “Dennis, it’s time for a change.” My dream school said that I wasn’t “Devry Material,” and it turns out that my back-up school was a pyramid scheme. But as soon as Oklahoma State found out that my official ethnicity is “Mutt,” they decided to let me in.

JEFF

Well, welcome aboard. Although it looks like Res Life only set us up with two beds…

DENNIS

Well, looks like I’ll be setting up my sleeping bag in the old bathtub!

(DENNIS starts to walk into the bathroom)

JEFF

I’ll just call down — I’m sure they can send up a third bed-frame.

DENNIS

Oh, it’s not a problem. I like sleeping near running water. It reminds me of the month I spent living under a bridge after the hurricane destroyed my house. Do you remember Hurricane Meredith?

MATTHEW

I never heard of it.

DENNIS

Well, it didn’t get a lot of national attention because it only hit my house.

MATTHEW

Wow. Did you have insurance?

DENNIS

Oh, I don’t qualify for any sort of insurance because I have every pre-existing condition. Speaking of beds, we should probably decide on sleep schedules based on who has the worst night terrors. I nominate myself. We’re all going to be best friends!

(DENNIS dances up against MICHAEL and JEFF)

JEFF

We’ll figure it out. So what are you guys majoring in?

MICHAEL

I’m thinking Poly-sci, with maybe a minor in English.

JEFF

Cool. I’m Music Theory — I want to be a record producer. What about you, Dennis?

DENNIS

Well, there was a little snafu at the Dean’s office, so right now my major is Romanian as a first language. But what I’d really like to study is some anatomy, if you know what I mean…

JEFF

I think I do!

(High fives DENNIS)

DENNIS

Yup, I want to take some classes to figure out why my scrotum pulls back up inside my body any time it rains. And this is just the place to do it!

(DENNIS dances up against MICHAEL and JEFF)

MICHAEL

Why do you keep dancing like that?

DENNIS

Oh, this isn’t dancing. This is how I shake the bed bugs off.

MICHAEL

(MICHAEL kicks DENNIS’ box out of the room)

Jesus Christ Dennis…hey, where’s your computer?

DENNIS

Oh, I stay away from computers. The other day I was down at the library Googling “why does that raccoon keep biting me,” and I ended up getting my identity stolen. Lucky for me they sent it right back.

JEFF

We’ll keep that in mind Dennis. Do you guys want some Ramen?

DENNIS

Ramen? (Aside to MICHAEL) Who invited Rich Uncle Pennybags?

MICHAEL

That’s it — I need to get out of here or I’m going to cry. I’m going to run down to the quad to check out the activities fair. Jeff, you want to come with me?

JEFF

Oh my God yes.

DENNIS

Hang on fellas, I’ll come down too! I’m going to see if they’ll let me play intramural soccer even though my toes are technically dead.

(The three exit the room together)

DENNIS

Uh oh fellas — looks like it’s going to rain…

Lights.