In The College Papers

(Lights up on the interior of the NY1 Newsroom. PAT KIERNAN sits at the news desk surrounded by college newspapers. The PRODUCER stands off to the side.)

PAT KIERNAN

Hello, you’re watching New York 1. I’m Pat Kiernan. And now a look at what’s In The College Papers. That’s right — college papers. Because instead of my beloved In The Papers segment, which, I might add, is the only reason that anyone watches this limping gazelle of a network, this week the producers are making me dig through local student newspapers in an attempt to attract a younger demographic.

PRODUCER

Hey Pat?

PAT KIERNAN

Yes, Jeffrey?

PRODUCER

It’s Janelle. We talked about this, Pat. It’s just for one week, okay big guy?

PAT KIERNAN

Howard, let me explain something to you. In The Papers is every single person in New York City’s absolute favorite television program. And you, Kyle, are turning it into a farce. Have you ever read a college newspaper? They’re fucking terrible. I mean, kind of article do you expect a college student to write? An Op-Ed piece called “Dad Is Wrong About My Dance Major?” An advice column called “Just Don’t Let Me See It, Bros” from the self-proclaimed “Cool RA?” Or maybe a music review from that guy who always brings his guitar with him to parties even though he can only play one Jason Mraz song?

PRODUCER

This is going to be really good for the network, Pat.

PAT KIERNAN

Do you know what would be really good for the network, Francis? More Pat Kiernan! It’s not like New York 1 doesn’t have the airtime — we do a weather report every ten minutes, which is insane, and I’m pretty sure that the only people who watch our “On Stage” theater program are gay shut-ins. So cut out some of that nonsense and give the people what they want — six straight hours of the big PK. You know how big I am in my native Canada don’t you?

PRODUCER

I know, I know — you’re huge in Canada. Let’s just get through this, ok?

PAT KIERNAN

Fine. Here’s a gem from the NYU Washington Square News. Opinion Editor Chris DiNarto writes: “I’m not turned on by monotonous politispeak masqueraded as sagacity. Listening to the grand majority of the Senate debate this bill was like watching a live-action version of ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’ where all of the marbles were the fourth amendment.” Are you fucking serious? Hungry Hungry Hippos? I know you’re trying to stay current, Chris, but the last time I heard anyone mention Hungry Hungry Hippos I was playing ‘Tickle the Mountie’ with Alanis Morisette in the back row of a Manitoba movie theater. Oh, you thought that she wrote ‘You Oughta Know’ about Dave Coulier? Wrong Canadian sex-bomb, my friends! And this is your opinion editor? Pat Kiernan has an opinion for you: shut your face you floppy dingus!

PRODUCER

You can’t say ‘floppy dingus’ on television, Pat. Can you plead just read the news?

PAT KIERNAN

No, I can’t just ‘read the news, Jeffrey. I’m Pat Freaking Kiernan. I’m an award winning journalist and New York City treasure for God’s sakes. And not to brag, but when I walk down the streets of Ottawa you can literally hear the panties dropping. Do you have any idea how hard a panty needs to drop to make an audible sound? It’s cloth on cement. But when I walk down the street it sounds like Canadian Stomp The Yard.

PRODUCER

Well, that’s pretty gross. Let’s just move on, ok?

PAT KIERNAN

Fine, moving on. This next article comes to us from the Bulletin of Barnard College, better known as Columbia University’s lesbian stepsister. An article called “Women on Late Night,” written by someone named Hannah Miller, who, no doubt, loves to talk about the week she spent building houses in ‘Nee-har-ah-gwa’. She writes: “being a successful comedian, particularly one with your own show, still seems to be a predominately male occupation. Despite the fact that there is a new wave of popular female comedians, none of them are seated behind a desk on network television at 11:35PM.” Well Hannah, have you stopped to think that maybe the problem isn’t gender bias, but the fact that people in this city just don’t know comedy pure gold when they see it? Look at me — I’m literally the best part of the day for nine-million New Yorkers, and I still couldn’t give way tickets to my one man show.

PRODUCER

Are you talking about “Orange Is The New Pat?”

PAT KIERNAN

Do you know that AM New York had the audacity to say that it was the second-worst show of the New York City Not-Quite-Fringe festival, followed only by “A Licky Boom Boom Clown,” a circus musical based on the music of Canadian rapper Sno?

PRODUCER

Maybe that’s because you opened your show with a Michelle Obama impression, and then went on an eight-minute rant about how teachers aren’t heroes.

PAT KIERNAN

They aren’t! Didn’t you see the last sketch?

PRODUCER

I did, and to be honest with you, I thought the Teach For America stuff was a little cliché. Why are you getting so angry?

PAT KIERNAN

Do you know why I’m getting so angry? Because I’m here on local television reading the half-baked ramblings of some entitled nineteen year-old with a meal plan, and Michael Strahan is talking to Fall Out Boy on Live! with Michael and Kelly. You know that I was almost Regis Philbin’s replacement, don’t you Jeffrey? But no, they decided to go with some gap-toothed buffoon instead of a beloved broadcasting icon who has cut the ribbon at not one, not two, but three Tim Horton’s grand openings. When was the last time that Michael Strahan made a single panty drop? Answer me that!

PRODUCER

We all know how much you hate Michael Strahan, Pat. Tell you what — let’s just do one more story and then we’ll call it a day, huh?

PAT KIERNAN

Fine. Let’s see — The Ionian Paper from Iona College in New Rochelle. New Rochelle has a college? Have you ever been to New Rochelle, Jeffrey? It’s like an entire leper colony doing one big walk of shame. “Is Facebook Giving You The Freshmen Fifteen…” are you fucking kidding me? I’ll say this — I’m very impressed that someone from New Rochelle figured out how to turn on a computer? I could comment on this article or I could just return it to the public bathroom at the Port Authority Bus Terminal where it belongs. You know what — I’m done. I’m going to go home, pop the cork on a nice bottle of Argentinean merlot, get ripped out of my head, and drunk dial The Call for the next three hours. I’m Pat Kiernan, and that’s just some of what’s In The Papers.