Sad Strippers

(INT. Excalibur, a male strip club. SHERYL, LAURA, and JESSICA enter. They are obviously out for a bachelorette party.)

SHERYL

Oh my God — this is so crazy!

LAURA

Come on, Sheryl. You only get to be a bachelorette once — enjoy it!

JESSICA

This is going to be so much fun!

LAURA

How often do you get to have a bunch of hot guys shake their asses in your face?

SHERYL

I just hope they don’t make me go up on stage…

JESSICA

Just sit back and enjoy it. Oh, look, the show’s about to start!

(A light show beings and ‘It’s Raining Men’ starts playing over the loudspeakers. The show’s host, BONER, enters from stage left. He wears cut-off jean shorts, a bow tie, and a skin-tight tee-shirt shirt reading ‘BONER.’ Three dancers enter from backstage. They do a quick Chip n’ Dale routine before exiting the stage. The audience goes wild as BONER works the crowd.)

BONER

Well hello there ladies of the Florida panhandle! I want to welcome you all to Excalibur’s — the Tallahassee region’s number-three all-male dance revue and Sex-Perience. And let me say what a lovely, lovely crowd of women we have here tonight. I hope you all checked your inhibitions at the door and traded them in for a purse-full of singles and a new set of panties, because tonight, right here on this stage, we’re here to bring all of your wildest fantasies to life. I’m your host Boner — I’ll be here all night driving the express bus to Pleasure Town by way of Crotch City, with a quick stop for refueling in Butt-ville. Feel free to yank the emergency brake at any time, but be gentle or you might end up with a real mess on your hands. Now, a few quick ground rules before we get started. Rule number 1: If you get up out of your seat during the show — you will be spanked. Number 2: If you touch the dancers during their routine, oh, you will certainly be spanked. And finally, most importantly, rule number 3: If at any time you even think about acting like a proper lady, you will most definitely be spanked. Now, ladies, are you ready to see some skin?

(Audience goes wild in anticipation of the show. Loud, pulsating music is heard over the speakers.)

BONER

Alright ladies, I hope we have some serious lawbreakers in the house tonight, because that sound means that Officer Mickey Bulge is on the beat!

(Dancer MICKEY BULGE enters from stage right. He is wearing aviator glasses, a police hat, a tight shirt, and bicycle shorts. He twirls a billy club. He works the crowd in typical male-stripper fashion.)

MICKEY BULGE

So I heard that we have a bachelorette in the house tonight.

JESSICA and LAURA

Yeah we do! Right over here!

MICKEY BULGE

Hello there, ma’am. Do you have a permit to be carrying those boobs?

LAURA

No, she doesn’t Officer!

BONER

Well then it looks like we’re going to have to take you downtown — all the way to Wiener Station! Officer Bulge, show ’em what you got!

(The women scream as MICKEY BULGE gets ready to perform his routine. ‘Brick’ by Ben Folds Five starts playing over the speakers. MICKEY BULGE goes into a delicate choreographed routine that mirrors the words to the song.)

MICKEY BULGE

We were just so young. We just weren’t ready. It didn’t mean we didn’t want it. She didn’t even tell me — just left a message on my answering machine. But it was my child too…!”

(Loud, pulsating music is heard. MICKEY BULGE snaps back into “sexy mode” and shuffles off stage.)

SHERYL

What was that?

JESSICA

Isn’t that song about abortion?

BONER

Alright ladies, let’s hear it for Officer MICKEY BULGE!

(The women reluctantly clap.)

I hope you’re all strapped in, because tonight is just getting started! Now ladies, it appears that some of you didn’t properly read your release forms tonight, because as it clearly stated in Section B Article 25, any female caught being too sexy will be subject to the maximum penalty of one million spankings. And it looks like you, young lady, are most certainly in violation. But not to worry, in the interest of fairness we’ve taken the liberty of securing the most erotic lawyer your singles can buy, Attorney Richard Shaft!

(RICHARD SHAFT enters from stage right to loud, pulsating music. He wears a suit jacket, tie, and bicycle shorts.)

SHAFT

Let’s schedule a meeting where I can show you some of my legal briefs…

SHERYL

Oh my…

JESSICA

Sheryl, I think that’s a double entendre!

BONER

Trust me, ladies, when this is over you’ll be begging to pay his hourly rate. Attorney Shaft, take it away!

(RICHARD SHAFT starts to dance as ‘Cat’s In The Cradle’ comes over the speakers. RICHARD SHAFT pulls out a cell-phone and begins talking. The ladies can’t believe what they’re seeing).

RICHARD SHAFT

Look, son — Daddy’s not going to be home for Christmas this year. Your presents? I’ll have my secretary Fed-Ex them to you and we can look at them when I get back from my business trip. What? Listen — you’re going to have lots of Little League games, and I’m sure I’ll make it to one of them some day. Can’t you have one of the other dads come and watch you pitch your first game? Sorry, I’m getting another call — I’ll talk to you in a few weeks, ok?

(Loud, pulsating music is heard. RICHARD SHAFT snaps back into “sexy mode” and shuffles off stage.)

BONER

Yeah! So who’s horny? Tough crowd, huh? Usually by this point we’re re-upholstering the chairs. Alright, well if those last two acts didn’t do it for you, this next one certainly will. I need you ladies to buckle your seat belts, make sure your seat back is straight with your tray is in the upright position, because Air Force Commander Pilot Willy Steel is here to fly you away to Sex Island!

(WILLY STEEL enters from stage right to loud, pulsating music. He wears aviator glasses, pilot’s cap, bomber jacket, and bicycle shorts. He walks up to the table of women.)

WILLY STEEL

I hope you enjoy today’s in-flight movie, Rear Window.

(WILLY STEEL bends over in front of the table. The ladies do their best to act excited.)

LAURA

Um…Ding Ding Ding! I need a snack…?

JESSICA

Check out that cockpit…

BONER

Alright Pilot Willy — it’s time for takeoff!

(‘Tears in Heaven’ by Eric Clapton starts playing over the speakers. WILLY STEEL goes into a dance routine where he acts the part of a grieving father who has just lost his son. The ladies are horrified and stand up to leave.)

LAURA

That’s it — let’s go somewhere else.

JESSICA

This was terrible.

BONER

Wait, wait — where are you going?

Lara

All of these dancers are depressing! We came here to get drunk and see some strippers and all you’re doing is making us feel terrible.

BONER

I see, I see. Well, sexy means different things to different people. But I think I know what you ladies are looking for, and I know just the guy to give it you. Ladies, prepare to enter the Bone-Zone!

(‘Party Rock Anthem’ by LMFAO starts playing over the speakers. BONER starts doing an energetic dance to the song.)

SHERYL

Okay, here we go!

JESSICA

Yeah — this is what we came for!

LAURA

Take it off Boner!

(As the ladies start to reach into their purses for dollar bills, there is a scratching sound and ‘Angel’ by Sarah McLachlan begins playing over the speakers. BONER reaches into his back pocket and pulls out several photos of abused and neglected dogs that he slowly displays to the audience.)

JESSICA

Jesus Christ — let’s go.

(The ladies leave as the lights fade to black. BONER keeps displaying the animal photos.)

Lights.