Hope never dies, and that sucks or:

Cigarettes are really cool, guys.

One of the last things I said to her was, “I’m not even mad, I’m just relieved. I don’t have to hope anymore; I can just be sad.” Looking back, I’m pretty sure we were both relieved. It was finally over. No more plans, no more trips. No more breakdowns or fights. No more long, anxious silences, dreading the inevitable. No more thinking about how much I’m not eating. No more future.

When she left that morning, time stopped. I remember looking around at our life we had built together and thinking, “Wait, who the hell am I? Am I anyone without this person? Who am I, this new person with his own thoughts and his own feelings? Do I actually play piano? I have no identity outside of this relationship. I have to rebuild my entire identity. This is going to suck.” And I was right for about six months.

Now I can think about her without going to pieces. I can be happy for her because I’m proud of her. Just in the time that I’ve known her, she has progressed into an amazing individual who is now probably less codependent than she ever has been and immensely happier than she was a year ago.

I’ve also made progress as an individual. I take photos more often. I code every day. I’m in pretty good health, aside from the occasional bang bang, and the every-once-in-a-while cigarette (pack). I have new friends. I’m building things that I’ve never imagined that I’d be capable of. I’m writing not only blogs, but songs and stories. I’m consciously making efforts to be a better brother, son, and person in general.

So why am I still holding onto hope?

Fixing things yourself is hard, and no one wants to do it

It doesn’t matter how badly I want to move on (and regardless of what I say, I really do want to move on), but it does matter how badly I want to fix things. My mantra has always been nothing is ever broken, it’s just in a state of disrepair, and if it can’t be repaired, use the parts to make something new. Maybe in another six months, I’ll hope to make something new.