Millennials are KILLING my business.
It seems that the recent trend in journalism is claiming that Millennials are bad and awful and everything wrong with modern society. Journalists continue to write these long winded expositions about Millennials penchant for refusing to purchase unnecessary items thus ruining businesses. The premise is, of course, that Millennials are a bunch of little shitbags.
I’m here to tell you that this premise is true. Millennials are a bunch of little weird haircutted shitbags with their Lil Uzi Verts and their Full House reboots and their Big Balls Brand and such.
Millennials are killing my business.
In June of 2017 I started the curation business I’d always dreamed of and it’s almost completely underwater. My investors (sorry again Mom) are constantly shouting at me but I can’t help it.
Millennials are killing my business.
It was a revolutionary business idea that shithead snowflake Millennials decided not to come along for. I am a pickle curator. I go to the grocery store and buy several jars of pickles. Then from each jar I find the best pickle. I look at size and density and weight distribution and pickleocity(tim tm) .
I then repackage said Pickle and resale it via an online vendor for a fee that covers my finders fee and marketing and research and development with a modest profit. One thousand dollars.
Oh but these Millennials had so many petty excuses to not participate in my business model. Such a deluge of bullshit has never graced my inbox before.
“I have student loans.”
“The housing market is in absolute ruin and if I want to be a homeowner in the next thirty years I can’t be spending a grand on a pickle.”
“Hey sorry man I do love pickles but I can’t justify spending $1000 on a single pickle when I already use my second job to afford childcare.”
“Hey dickweed I’m not spending a thousand bucks on a pickle I don’t even like pickles you fat idiot.”
Millennials are killing my business.
I deserve to benefit from capitalism regardless of how unnecessary and expensive my product is. This is horseshit. I’m gonna go broke all because of stupid Millennials and their iPhone 12's.
Fuckin’ Millennials.
