My Hesitation
Every time I think about coming out more broadly, on Facebook, for example, my knee-jerk thought is the image of my former colleague’s reactions. Yes, I think about my friends and some family members too, but my past colleagues are a deeply cynical bunch who don’t tend to handle change with the most open minds (at first).
I know they’d be supportive, and I know they wouldn’t care. But in their private conversations, there would be eye rolls. They’d be asking one another why, what’s up, or worse, getting it wrong altogether. Meaning, they’d all just say “so what he’s gay now? What’s the deal? What’s with him?” They’d make some disparaging comments at my expense, playback a few memories, say they always knew, that sort of thing. In those private moments, they’d completely erase my identity as being bi. It would be easier for them to understand my being gay instead of bi. Funnier still, would I just come out as gay, they’d have a slightly more measured reaction, less cynical, but still questioning. This scenario, this anxiety, has kept me closeted to this group. To be fair, it’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. And I understand why they’d react this way.
This hesitation is not my paranoia speaking. I’ve experienced the conversations when past (male) co-worker make fun of others after they’ve come out, always assuming the jokes or cynicism. They speak this way out of confusion, never understanding it’s hurtful and offensive. They don’t mean to offend and never do it to one’s face. It’s a defense mechanism. They don’t know what else to say or do. Although, one or two, are quick to use this part of you as a weapon when they get mad at you or are fighting with you. Your sexuality quickly becomes a lightning rod (usually for the benefit of a joke).
So why be friends with these people, or care what they think? Many reasons, mainly, I care about them and because I believe these reactions come from a lack of understanding and a lack of empathy. These are smart people who have stressful jobs of wading through the worst part of society. They’re brought up to be cynical; they’re journalists.
Having them understand, see a different perspective from their own, is crucial to teaching others. If I were to speak to them individually, they’d be open and supportive, and they’d listen. However, in their gossiping after the fact, they’d be less sympathetic and eager to share the good gossip about someone else. They’d look perplexed at one another questioning “what is that about?” The older straight men most usually get grossed out when another guy comes out, hence the jokes.
For them, let me explain, about my bisexuality.
I’m not straight, I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. It means I possess the ability to be attracted to a member of either sex. I can fall in love with someone of either sex — that’s it. It does not mean I am attracted to every soul that walks by, nor does it mean I’m into threesomes (as pornography would suggest).
Yes, I’ve been in the same relationship with the same person for 17 years and even though I’m in a straight relationship, I’m still bisexual. Nothing is changing in our relationship status. I’m more honest now, and she’s accepting.
Why are you telling me this and why now?
Because I was terrified, not just scared, terrified to come out. I’ve overwhelmed with anxiety since I was a child to admit this to myself, to my friends to my family and the world. I lived with a deep fear of what kind of wild consequences would come of sharing this part of me, of accepting this part of myself. Most of those fears came from being brought up in a strict religious community with little to no education about the LGBT community.
Why now? I’m sharing this now because I’m less scared, I’m in a healthier work environment, and I’m better educated. I didn’t have the framework even to understand what it meant to be bisexual until a few years ago. I didn’t comprehend the word; I was that naive. I allowed the fear to control me. I worked hard to suppress these emotions for many years. That allowed the terror to grow inside of me. This panic built a wall of ignorance around me for too many years until I discovered “the right book, at the right time.” Once I understood what those feelings meant, it was like being handed the owners manual. I finally felt like I knew myself.
How much, what’s your percentage?
OK, here is where your education begins — don’t ask that to bisexuals, it’s offensive. I’m 100% bisexual.
Were you, or are you, confused? Won’t you just come out gay in a few years?
This question carries a more complicated answer, worthy of its own blog. There is this stigma that bisexuals are confused; we’re not. Some members of the LGBT community need the bi label as a stepping stone to come out in other ways. I’m 35 years old, nearly all of those years I’ve been bisexual (even when I didn’t know it).
I compare it to discovering you have a superpower and not knowing how to use it yet. What is confusing is learning you possess this ability to be attracted to members of both sexes. Once you understand and accept it, though, the confusion fades. Sure, I spent many years wondering if maybe I was gay, or if I was just straight — all the while not realizing I was bisexual. That struggle is real and comes with tremendous anxiety, especially when you have no one to talk to about it, no one to ask, no judgment-free zone to breathe in. Lots of people want to tell you what your sexuality is. No one can do that but you.
I heard someone say it’s trendy to come out now, trendy to be a part of the LGBT community — no it’s not, have you looked around? It’s still dangerous; it’s still scary. In sharing this part of myself, I am hoping to dispel any stigma, any misinformation, or any bi-phobia. I came out to people I felt I needed to a few years ago, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still scared. Now it seems like I need to cherry-pick those moments again. There is still anxiety and fear. I’m afraid of what my gay friends will say or think. I’m nervous of what colleagues will say.
Luckily, the older I get, the less I care what people think about me. If someone has questions, I’m happy to answer them, however awkward. The idea is to help people become educated about bisexuals. The mishandling of the phrase for so many years contributed to my ignorance and inability to understand myself. It created an unneeded fear and self-resentment I certainly could have avoided most of my life.
