I have a burning urge to write about being bisexual while at the same time living a juxtaposition of not wanting to talk about it.

I want to explore it because it’s a tremendous part of my life; however, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business. I have told myself this for years and it’s unhealthy.

Sharing about it on social media (and blogs) leaves one more vulnerable, so I hesitate. Accepting I’m bisexual has allowed me to feel free and less concerned by what others think or how they might judge me.

The pride begins with coming out; it’s the pride in understanding who you are (at long last) and your proud to accept yourself. It’s massive and life-changing. Like me, you might be the last to realize it, but accepting who you are — to yourself, is like nothing you’ve ever felt before — especially if you’ve never liked yourself. With acceptance, comes letting go of considerable amounts of anxiety. Lately, I’ve often stopped to wonder how many people feel like this every day? Is it a lot? Is it a little?

It’s hard to understand unless you’ve grown up feeling like there is something wrong with you, and you just can’t explain it — but you know you’re not like everyone else. Because I was raised in a religious community, I felt a lot of shame and guilt for just being me. Gaining that emotional weight stays with you for far too long. Being bi is a bit trickier. There are many (terrible) stigmas around bisexuals. While trying to understand it, I had no one to talk to about it and no way to quantify it. Though, I’m quick to remind myself my story doesn’t compare to the struggles most in the gay, lesbian or transgender community have to experience. In doing so, I feel like I’m making my feelings matter less because, it’s a big deal for me.

It’s harder for others to accept bisexuals, including myself, but once I did it was like being handed the owners manual.

Ever since I was little, I was either assumed to be gay, told I was gay or living in denial. Having people tell you what you are without being able to figure it out on your own makes you angry and leaves you wanting to fight it even harder. No one ever said let’s figure this out together or considered I might need help. Instead, I’d get a frustrated sigh over my ignorance and would be mostly left alone. Lacking enough education or someone to talk to, I needed space to process my thoughts and feelings and get there on my own, which I did. It just took a while.

We’ve lacked healthy conversations about being bisexual in our culture. They seem to be happening now thanks to blogs, social media, and YA books. I see it all around me, but five or ten years ago the conversation seemed invisible. Certainly when I was a teenager, it didn’t exist.

Apparently I had to be in the right time and place for my acceptance. It took being in my thirties, making an important career move and reading one unique YA book. Grasshopper Jungle was being mentioned in passing to me, over and over again. One day I thought “well, I should at least look into it since everyone around me is talking about it.” I was clueless about the hard-to-describe plot. The main story is about these crazy bioengineered bugs who take over a small town by inhabiting the bodies of the locals. The subplot (or to this reader the only plot) was about a teenager attending a Christian school who found himself equally in love with his girlfriend and his male best friend (who is gay). Central character Austin finds himself emotionally torn and conflicted. He just doesn’t understand what’s happening. It’s not until one of his loves points out he’s bisexual when the light bulb goes on. Realizing it doesn’t help him decide which one he wants to be with more, but it does show him, he has a tremendous capacity to love.

It only took me a few chapters into Grasshopper Jungle to have my epiphany. I consider being bi a superpower — one has a greater ability love someone from either sex.

I’ve been so focused on career aspirations I somehow stayed naively clueless of personal moments and changes. I’m the guy who never knows when he’s been hit on. I don’t often pick up on subtleties or the obvious. The same goes for being aware of personal growth. Enjoying my mid-30's, I’m starting to wake up to those moments.

As I digested the idea over a few days, everything in my life began to make sense — everything. It wasn’t long until I felt a large twinge of regret for not accepting and realizing this sooner. I’m happy with where I am today, but regret is a powerful feeling. Some days my mind wanders to “what if I had realized this sooner?” but it’s unhealthy and dangerous.

Instead, I found myself looking for resources to help me better understand who I am and what I’m feeling. Even in 2015, it’s difficult to find a real community for bisexuals. There is a lot of misinformation out there. Grasshopper Jungle gave a reader an excellent perspective of a young man trying to figure out his bisexual life. But the character of Austin was a teenager, and I’m an adult who needed guidance and a sense of community. So where do I turn? YouTube!

At first I found some folks in the gay community who dismissed bisexuals as not fully coming out of the closet or only dipping their toe in the water. It didn’t help and kicked me back a bit. Did I deny myself of other things? I had to ponder what I was feeling. Then I reminded myself “I’m in my damn 30’s, and I know what my feelings are — no one can tell me what I am feeling.”

So I kept searching and found this BuzzFeed video of bisexual myths.

Luckily YouTube’s algorithm did the rest by introducing me to the brilliant R.J. Aguiar of Not Adam and Steve. He has an excellent series called “Ask a Bi Guy” which was born out of an emotional video he titled Bisexuality: Setting the Record “Straight.” R.J. has done a lot of the hard work showing the world the reality of being bi. I celebrate R.J. for putting himself out there. He (and his partner) have helped many, many people like me.

From R.J., I discovered Eliel Cruz, a self-described “profession bisexual” activist (and talented writer). Here are some of his recent articles that I found very helpful:

The Dumbest Stereotypes That Almost Stopped Bisexual People From Coming Out

4 Facts That Put the Biggest Myths About Dating Bisexuals to Bed

Op-ed: Why ‘Bi’ Is So Tough to Say

This brilliant piece from author Chloe Caldwell (with the line: “I just started writing about it”) resonated with me:

I also found a great hashtag on Twitter: #bisexualityisvalid

And finally, I’m also including this article from Zachary Zane as many in the bi community have also found it helpful.