All Anger is Based on Fear. That statement may seem counterintuitive: anger is empowering and a call to action while fear leads us to feel vulnerable and not in control.
So how can all anger be based on some fear?
Anger is the emotional energy generated to fight against a perceived threat even if the threat is imagined. Anger protects us by turning fear into action.
Let’s look deeper at some of the different fears behind anger:
· Fear of not being respected
· Fear of being judged negatively
· Fear of loss (money, status, job, home, family, friends, community)
· Fear of physical pain
· Fear of not being good enough to succeed
· Fear of the unknown
· Fear of being alone (fear of loss)
· Fear of not fitting in
· Fear of failure
· Fear of being treated unfairly
· Fear of being vulnerable
· Fear of letting go
· Fear of being trapped
· Fear of learning a new skill (fear of failing)
It is imperative to look beyond anger to find the deeper feelings underneath tracing the anger backwards to determine the base fear. Once the fear has been identified, then it is possible to address the anger at the roots.
Fear is one of the most powerful emotions a human can have. Fear influences our emotional, mental, and physical states. Just like the anger it generates; fear is a response to a threat either real or perceived.
It is easy to blame others for some fear you feel. However, you choose and can control how to react to a situation. Another person cannot cause you to feel any emotion. Humans are uniquely capable of choice. Understanding the fear behind the anger, provides a path to choose your reaction.
We have all seen it — in the same situation, various people react completely different. One person may react calmly, another person gets angry, and another person is afraid. They are just making a different choice (intentionally or not intentionally) on how they deal with the situation.
Let’s look at just a few simple situations causing anger and the possible fear behind it.
1. Someone cuts you off in traffic causing you to slam on your breaks to avoid hitting the car. The fear is physical safety; the fear of financial loss; or the fear of being out of control.
2. A friend cancels plans at the last minute the third time in a month. The fear is loss of friendship; the fear of being judged negatively; or the fear of not being respected.
3. One of your employees misses a deadline. The fear is failure; the fear of loss of respect; or the fear of financial loss.
4. Your child doesn’t do the chores that you asked them to do multiple times. The fear is lack of respect; or the fear of not being a good enough parent.
5. Your spouse spends money on items you don’t feel are important causing you to miss paying bills. The fear is financial security (not being good enough to make more money); or the fear of want.
Finally, let’s look at anger based on biases (hidden or overt). What is the cause of anger with others that do not have the same values, look, or religion? What fear causes that anger?
Humans tend to feel uncomfortable and have anxiety and fear around people that are not like them. The fear maybe: fear of loss (of status, job, community, financial); fear of security; or fear of not fitting in.
Addressing the Fear
Once you know the fear behind the anger, the fear can be looked at and addressed. What steps can be taken to address fear?
1. Look at the data and evidence around the fear. Challenge the beliefs that created the fear.
2. Review expectations that may cause the fear. Don’t let another’s expectations cause you fear.
3. Know yourself. Learn your emotional triggers. Triggers may be from some long-ago issue. The root cause of the trigger should be exposed and resolved.
4. Practice finding the lessons to learn in each failure. Everyone fails. It is the ability to emerge from failures as a stronger individual that predicts future success.
5. Get comfortable with creating new opportunities after failure. Seeing a future path helps to diminish fear and failure.
Thanks for reading!
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If you would like to read more of what I have written?
The Superpower of Being an Introverted Boss — Empathic Leadership
Ten Things Employees Need To Trust Their Boss
Good Leaders Switch Between Management Styles
Tina Kuhn is the author of the “The E Suite: Empathic Leadership for the Next Generation of Leaders” and “The Manager’s Communication Tool Kit: Tools and Techniques for Managing Difficult Personalities.”
