#16: The guy who won’t drink out of a martini glass
I feel bad for this guy, I really do. Somewhere along the line, someone abused him. Some group of macho guys laughed at him once when his French Martini was served, and now he’s scarred for life. All he wanted was a delicious concoction of vodka, chambord, and pineapple juice, but what he got instead was self-doubt, embarrassment, and the sneaking suspicion that he wasn’t accepted. They mocked him for being feminine, or worse, homosexual. Real men don’t drink out of those glasses, they implied, only sissies and weaklings. “You want a pair of panties with that drink, you big gay?” They seemed to say. They chuckled at his male faux-pas, relieved that they could perpetuate the stereotype that each of them, somewhere along the line, were similarly chided for. Each one a victim and a culprit in this outdated cycle of masculinity-shaming.
Fast forward to the present. He’s decided on a drink that sounds good, and he orders it from the bartender. When the bartender finally brings it over, however, he’s horrified to see a stem attached to his glass. He makes a face at the bartender. “Could you put that in a different glass?” he pleads. “I don’t like those girly glasses.”
If pressed, he may make up an excuse.“I’m afraid I’m going to knock it over,” he might say. Obviously, because he’s a man, he doesn’t have the dexterity in his digits to handle something so small and delicate. If he’s not careful, his brutish ape hands could swing wildly and send his cocktail to the floor, or smash it altogether on the surface of the bar. No, he needs his glass to be as strong and sure-footed as he pretends to be himself.
To this guy, I say this: a glass is not an extension of your manliness. It’s just a glass. If your cocktail is presented in a coupe, or a martini glass, or even a fucking champagne flute, it’s like that because the drink is designed to be enjoyed that way. If you like your cocktails with ice, or if it’s all liquor and you need to dull down the intensity, by all means put it in a rocks glass. If, however, your main reason for electing to use another glass is because it doesn’t make you look masculine enough, I got news for you: You’re not masculine enough. A real man doesn’t care what glass his drink comes in, as long as there’s booze in it. If you think a glass makes a man, then it’s not the coupe you’re worried about shattering, it’s your own delicate ego.
So, chin up, pinkies out, and drink like a man.
(see also: #5 People who apply gender to booze)