White Men, we’re better than this.
It’s time to choose a side in the fight for justice & liberation.
Dear White Men,
I’m writing to you as a fellow problematic white male, recognizing that the contents of this letter may come off as totally hypocritical to some who know me, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take, just as I wish you would take more risks in the name of justice & liberation.
I have many different reasons to write you today, but generally it’s two things:
- My longstanding disappointment in a lack of white men showing up in racial justice movement spaces, and not showing up in general in non-oppressive and mindful ways, and;
- I am having trouble looking people of color that I love in the eye as they struggle and grieve the many ways patriarchy & white supremacy manifests violently in their lives. It’s even more troubling when I see you, the white male who feels none of this pain and even after a friend's best efforts to call you into conversation about it, you retreat defensively into your fragility and white-centered comfort zone. Yet you still deny you have privilege.
I cannot begin to express my frustration and disappointment with you. You have not risen to the occasion in this moment of crisis and you refuse to change or adapt. You won’t even try to do something uncomfortable. We have had a president for seven months who condones violence against suspects (the racist-and-chief called them “thugs”) in police custody, before they even see a court of law for judgement and punishment — and we have police in this country who cheer that sentiment.
This misogynistic piece-of-shit president undermines the experiences of and abuses women and has set up a voter fraud commission to distract from rampant voter suppression of people of color that aided his election to office.
We see people unnecessarily suffering and dying from poverty, depression, addiction, lack of food, clean water, and housing — all which are forms of violence that you as a white man are complicit in, most of the time from a distance. You may think your hands are clean, but you are holding this whole oppressive system together with your silence and complicity.
What did you say? You’re not to blame? Yes you are, but even hypothetically, if you’re not, can’t you see the power and privilege you have as a white man to do something? And if you can do something, and you don’t, doesn’t that make you part of the problem?

If you think I’m being unreasonably hard on you, come find me and talk to me about your thoughts at the next Black Lives Matter event. Oh wait, you won’t be there? Why not? Are you uncomfortable with showing up for Black Lives? Are you judging the Vision for Black Lives Platform from your place of privilege? Consider maybe that since your personal experience has been one of privilege and security it is not representative of experiences of those oppressed. Of course a group of white men would think that everyone has a fair shake and the police are only here to protect us, but that’s not how it is for everyone. Recognize that you are missing a bunch of information. I urge you to seek out better understanding by reading through the Vision for Black Lives.
Do you have any family in prison? Do you struggle with a fear of police pulling you over and treating you with anything less than professionally and respectfully? If a cop hypothetically ever did treat you poorly, or violated your rights, or committed a violent act against you or yours, would you not be outraged? What if the police or the media painted your family member with a shady brush, giving the public reason to not believe or trust their story?
Where is your outrage for Alonzo Smith? Terrence Sterling? Natasha McKenna? Corinne Gaines? Freddie Gray? Sandra Bland? Trayvon Martin? Eric Garner? Philando Castile?
Your white male silence is deafening.
Maybe you are not aware of how much we as white men gaslight the hell out of women and people of color, and especially women and transgender & queer people of color. We do so everyday. Maybe you’re not even sure what gaslighting is:

We, as white men have gaslighting down to a science. We do it all the time, and we may even realize it, but we all do it. You may do it to save face after a woman of color shares with you how you made them feel with your inconsiderate actions. Instead of taking responsibility and seeking repair, we take the low road so often, we don’t realize there’s another route. We diminish the woman’s of color experience, feelings, and credibility to keep our ego and reputation intact.
Natasha McKenna was killed in Fairfax County Detention facility at the hands of Sheriff Deputies who did not believe she was having a mental health crisis. In their eyes she was just being a ‘typical misbehaving Black woman’. They electrocuted her with a taser 5 times to death, but they didn’t act alone. Natasha McKenna and all the other POCs named and unnamed above are gone because you, white men. The case against the deputies was dismissed, then one of the deputies who murdered Natasha McKenna went on to murder Giovanny Martinez, who was also in the midst of a mental health crisis. We are responsible for not holding the police accountable for their actions, but it wasn’t us who paid the price, it was Giovanny and his family.
White men stood by and did nothing — and still here you are — doing nothing.
You as a white man perpetuate a culture in which you see yourselves as the most credible and under the delusion that your experiences and understanding of the world matters most and is reality for everyone else too! Any contradicting accounts — while it should get you to be more humble, self-reflective and accountable for your actions — cause you to question the legitimacy of the account and the credibility of the woman and/or person of color who speaks up.
How ‘bout we go back to June 10th. How do you feel about No Justice No Pride’s blockade of the DC Pride Parade? What side of that did I see most of you on? Celebrating the progress made in the fight for equality? Great, but isn’t there a fight still going on that desperately needs your solidarity? Your actions in planning and attending Pride were selfish, white and cis-male centered. What about the other letters in LGBTQ2s? Not your problem?
What were the transgender activists of color trying to tell you? What forms of intersectional oppression were they trying to raise as they protested the DC Pride Festival? How did you respond? Did you stop to listen, white men? Or did you respond with vitriol and hate anchored in a deep fragility and internalized white male entitlement to comfort? I was so disappointed to see you act in ways that caused my friends more pain, only compounding the pain that drove their courageous bodies into the streets in the first place.
White men on the DC Council, you’re not showing up. Because of your behaviors and votes, a toxic white man is leading the increasingly problematic and dangerous DC Police Department. Last spring, when he was being considered for confirmation, you disregarded the voices of the oppressed. You sided with the white man, you spoke condescending to Black women and women of color when they gave testimony against confirming Peter Newsham as police chief. Now it’s on you to hold him accountable, and heed the stories and listen to the words of these marginalized voices and their pain.
#NotAllWhiteMen? So you’re the exception? You are not aiding in the perpetuation of patriarchy & white supremacy anywhere? Ok, then send this letter to other white men and start a conversation with them. Tell them if they are truly a man of conscience and strength then you cannot stand by, and you cannot keep acting with complacency and pretending you aren’t having damaging impacts on people of color and women of color.
I’m actually not asking you to do anything out in the world on a campaign or movement yet — in fact for those who are toxic and problematic I urge you to do serious self-reflection and consider how you show up in daily situations. Do you show up with humility and willingness to be told and accept you are part of the problem and willing to change? Or are you egotistical, fragile, and defensive in ways that have all but severed any trust from those few remaining brave souls willing to talk straight with you about your problematic behaviors?

Do you want on the right side of history? Do you want to make postitive impacts on the women and people of color in your life? Then start by listening to them, and trust every word they say. L
It may not sound like truth as you know it. But that’s because you are a racist and sexist white male. It’s ok! Don’t get fragile and defensive! We white men are all racists and we all have been conditioned to discount the perspectives of women.
Sadly — but understandably — women and people of color have largely responded with a very reasonable self-preservation technique: They have stopped wasting their emotional energies in futile attempts to communicate their pain to us.

It’s only our work on ourselves that makes us less racist and less sexist. We have a lot of work to do. Please consider taking the three steps below to start doing less damage and stop your contributions to perpetuation of patriarchy & white supremacy.
You weren’t the white male cop who pulled the trigger that took Terrence Sterling away from his family forever, but you are siting here today as a complicit white man, allowing the experience of a black man’s grieving family to be actively dininished and delegitimized by DC Police Department and by the media. Those two institutions work for you, white men. Why don’t they work for the most oppressed among us? Do you think they’re be as oppressed if the institutions worked for them too?
White men, its time we start insisting on accountability and solidarity from other white men of conscience and for ourselves.
My four asks of white men:
- Listen, respect, and internalize the words of women and transgender people of color. Recognize the difference in how you naturally trust other white men — even ones you have just met — more than anyone else. Commit yourself to staying in an active listening mode, not a defensive or reactive mode.
- Do the internal work to better understand what makes you react to a situation toxically. Observe other white men act in ways that they either undermine the experience of non-white, non-cis-male people, or the way they uplift them. Do this work without imposing on the individuals who you have already negatively impacted. Be careful when asking for their time and emotional labor. Remember, you have other resources, like the internet. Before imposing on another’s emotional labor, utilize those resources first.
- Take stock of your privilege. There is no demographic in the world who is wealthier than white men. Give to Black organizers and organizers of color. Here’s a page where I compile requests for resources.
- Attend the Night Out for Safety and Liberation, THIS TUESDAY at 6pm, hosted by the Movement for Black Lives in DC.
Sincerely and disappointingly,
Your fellow problematic white male
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PS: If you do happen to be a non-problematic white male who read this entire letter, please reach out. I’m interested to see the spaceship or time machine that brought you here.

