The kid that is 19 years old

The kid that is 19 years old and is still amused by trolls and elves. Laughing at inappropriate childish jokes. That still watches Disney movies from underneath a blanket. Crying when Mufasa dies and trying to hide the tears. A kid that still plays with sand as if he was the god of the sand world. Imagining the ants being his people that he needed to take care of.
Playing computer games whenever he had time completely getting sucked into the story.
Inviting friends for a game of nerf completely thinking he was at war.
A kid that dreamed of writing a book, a kid that dreamed of building a huge yacht that he would spend the rest of his life on. Adding guns on all sides of it, drawing forcefields around it to protect it from the aliens.
Oh I so long to be a kid sometimes. But there is still a kid inside me. That ones in a while will come out. And when it comes out I feel free, I feel me. Strange right? I want to be a kid at 19 years old because I feel free even though you couldn’t do anything without your parents at that age. But that kid smiles from ear to ear. That kid won’t step away from fear, it faces it head-on. That kid doesn’t care about others and just does what it wants to. We all tell ourselves we need to grow up, but I want to say that I don’t want to grow up anymore.
Now don’t get me wrong I love getting older and getting more experience in life but there are a few things that I want to keep. Starting with….
One: I want to smile, cry, love without holding back. I want to feel my emotions as I did as a kid, I want to tell someone I like them and be honest about it. I want to hold them without fear.
But I do need to get rid of a kid that was young and untouched scared of girls coming to close to him because love was the only thing that ever hurt him. That still scares him and that is what makes a kid of 19 years old still wanting to go back to when he had no worries about love. That kid needs to grow up. But the kid who feels pure emotions needs to come back and never grow up. EVER.
Two: I don’t want to step back from fear. I want to say FUCK IT and just go. Don’t care if someone else is disgusted by me after that. I don’t want to care anymore if I could fall or get injured. I want to take that chance and just go. I want to jump off a plane without the days of stress, I want to feel free before the jump and let the jump decide if I will be stressed or not. I want to let that kid in again that would just grab someone’s hand and pull her towards me and give her a kiss. Because that kid has been gone for a long time. It told himself that anxiety was a normal thing. That if he wouldn’t kiss her it would all be fine and secure but that kid was fooling himself with the illusion of growing up.
Three: I want to let the kid that only cared about his own opinion back in. I want to stop caring about all those around me. I don’t want to feel the desire to full fill their needs anymore. I just want to feel free like a kid again.
And the last thing is to never, ever, ever grow up. NEVER. I will be that kid of 19 that dances whenever it wants to. That sings whenever it wants to, that loves the people around him without holding back. That kid that doesn’t care if love hurts him, that kid that feels free. That’s where I want to go back to. Please come back to me, please let me stop growing up with a mindset that society created for me. Let me be that kid again only 19 years old.
