Atom of Hope turns Mass of Despair
In recent years, I made multiple attempts to make things different for better for me. And each of the attempts have not landed on the other side of where I wanted them to be. Each attempt with negative response always bring questions that makes me second guess my skills, experiences and past decisions. I swear it is hard to be here. I’m in this position, where i’m always sending out thoughtful and curated applications and receiving “Thank you for applying, we received a number of high quality applications but unfortunately we won’t be able to move forward with your application on this occasion”.
In the beginning, it was upsetting, overtime I got used to it but for how long? Right now, it’s tiring to keep receiving those. I need a change and it does not even seems to be coming and it seems so dark, that on the receipt of those emails now, I’m numbed in a way that makes my heart heavy and yes, not all the time. I might laugh them off in the immediate minutes they come up but trust me, it makes my heart heavy when I re-evaluate the effort I put in gathering files and making the submissions. Looking at the prospect in mind and the possibility of success, of telling a growth and breakthrough story that might not materialise or that is being delayed (if I’m being optimistic), I can’t but feel that heaviness and numbness.
It is sad that my atom of hope for new possibilities turns a mass of despair at the opening of an email notification. Sometimes, it’s as though there’s a coordination. It’s hard having positive expectations when you know it might fizzle out at the click of an icon you keep refreshing. I will keep adjusting, evolving and continue to find the ray of hope to keep going.
Few days ago, I’d told myself that, if all I’d hoped would work out didn’t, it wouldn’t be that I didn’t try. I think I’m at peace with that than not trying at all. I think that’s my silver-lining.
Thanks for reading my thoughts, I would love to read from you in the comment, if you can relate to this thoughts!
