You can’t… be serious. After two pages of showing how dumb people look with unobtrusive things sticking in their ears — and now you’re (apparently seriously) claiming that these glaring white ones are “sex sticks” which are “alluring, sensuous and sultry”?

This was my cue to reread and see if you were actually writing a parody. And to be honest, I can’t rule it out, but if so, it’s a very unfunny parody.