NHL Playoff Preview: Round 1

Hey everyone, Hockey genious Tom here once again to help you understand just what is going on in the world of the NHL! The regular season has ended and the boys are strapping on their skates for one last ride to Stanley’s Cup! As stated, probably, in my last two articles *insert link*, the NHL is broken into two halfs, the East Side and the Other Side. Eight teams from each Side are entered into the playoff gauntlet, destined to duel to the death until one team emerges from the rubble, clutching the Ultimate prize, Stanley’s Cup!

Hockey

East Side

Montreal Canadians vs New York Football Rangers

The Canadians are matching up against the…it’s Canadiens? That doesn’t make sense, that’s not even a real word. Goddamn autocorrect is trying to fix it, I have that bullshit red squiggly line under it! Are you serious Canada? Fuck that name, fuck this city, the Rangers are winning this because I won’t support this dumb ass name. Rangers in 5

Ottawa Senators vs Boston Bruins

I’ve never heard of Ottawa, apparently it’s a city in Canada, which has senators (?), thus the name. They seem nice enough. They are matched up this year against the Boston Bruins, a city known for it’s racism as much as it’s sports excellence. I can’t say for sure who’s the better team, no one actually can, that’s why they play these games you fool. Bruins in 6

Pittsburgh Penguins vs Columbus Blue Jackets

The returning champions, the Pittsburgh Penguins, are once again back into the playoffs to defend that cup! Facing off against these titans of the ice, are the Blue Jackets, a team everyone knows about and roots for, and is certainly not a barely supported team, created due to the NHL’s hubris and their oafish desire to developing their soon to be dead sport in new cities! No one cares about this franchise outside of Columbus, OH. Pittsburgh in 5

Washington Capitals vs Toronto Maple Leafs

Here we go baby! This is the match-up we’ve all been waiting for! The notorious Capitals are squaring off against the most popular NHL team in the world, the Maple Leafs! The boys in blue have broken the playoff drought and look to break the Cup drought! The Capitals look to actually make it out of the 2nd round for like the 100th straight year, I’m not looking this up, that’s just what it feels like. Toronto of course, in like 1, probably

Other Side

Chicago Blackhawks vs Nashville Predators

The Chicago Blackhawks are looking to make another deep run through these playoffs, led by heart, grit, and an unjust legal system. They are matched up against the Nashville Predators, which is a team we all know about and did not google when looking up information for this piece. They are led by P.K. Subban and some other players. Subban an energetic, personable, and talented player was shipped in the off-season from Montreal for uh reasons certainly having nothing to do with his race! A city as forward thinking as Montreal and a sport as accepting as hockey would never allow that! Nashville in 7, please God let this happen

Minnesota Wild vs St Louis Blues

I don’t care. Does anyone care? Find me someone, one single person, who is looking forward to this match up. I’ll wait. Prediction on hold

Edmonton Oilers vs San Jose Sharks

Edmonton returns to the playoffs after a long drought with boy wonder Connor McDavid, who looks to bring the Cup back to Edmonton so they can show it off in the fanciest place in Edmonton, a Tim Hortons. Last years runners up, the Sharks are looking to make a run once again, with the same exact team that failed so miserably in the Finals. Oilers in 5

Anaheim Mighty Ducks vs Calgary Flames

The Mighty Ducks, led by the enigmatic Gordon Bombay and his plucky band of children, enter into this series as the underdogs against the Calgary Flames, a team comprised of adults. Will the Ducks overcome the odds yet again to reach new heights? No, no fucking way, they are children, they are going to get slaughtered. Flames in 7