An Open Letter: Self-Discovery vis-à-vis Divorce
One man’s cathartic attempt to capture the thoughts, lessons, and unanswered questions of a dissolved marriage.
What you will find here are words not intended to vilify or to make anyone wrong. These are the evolutions and feelings of a man trying his best to make sense of the part he played in a failed marriage. The tone of this letter is benevolent and selfish, motivated by a desire to acknowledge all things broken, declare regrets, and in some cases to just vent. Written in hopes to create a possibility for all involved to move forward fully, to forge a little wisdom from the fury, and to seek forgiveness from oneself as well as anyone impacted in ways never intended, the known and unknown collateral impacts of being lost in the fog of war that is divorce.
On Jan. 20th of this year, my wife and I were officially divorced. It’s as difficult for me to explain as it is to believe some days. In my heart, I hold that we both still love and care deeply for each other, that our story doesn’t end like this. For now, it’s about healing, learning, releasing, and evolving. Somewhere along our journey together, an effortless love we co-created living with each other for years without conflict only served to mask a disconnect in our ability to communicate effectively and courageously. The wounds we carried with us from our pasts, when exposed and stressed, inevitably hindered our ability to work together as a team. I’m only just beginning to scratch the surface of my own contributions. Divorce is an exercise that forces you to look into your past to prepare for a better future. On behalf of the beautiful little girl who embodies the magic of the love we once shared, I remain committed to looking within and working to address the fears and flaws to be better as a man, a more mindful father, and maybe someday in a future I no longer clearly see, as a husband.
The divorce process is like living in an augmented reality. Nearly everything and everyone you know will change. Family and friends are forced to alter their behaviors regardless of how neutral they hope to be. Eventually you find everyone has circled the wagons. While offers of support may arise, the work to repair and reclaim what is broken or lost is likely a moment already come and gone. Veterans of divorce(s) are more than ready to share their wisdom of mistakes you shouldn’t make; a black hole you quickly find yourself drawn into from which there is little hope of escape.
One of the many challenges when trying to repair a broken relationship is the time needed to work through the process. You must first recognize and accept that there is a problem, understand the severity, navigate blame and shame, identify the breach of integrity within yourself that leads to co-creating the problem with your partner if you’re interested in or capable of owning your contributions, work through your own issues until you make enough progress to not risk a behavioural relapse, and finally if you make it this far and haven’t killed each other, embark on a journey to rebuild and reconnect. When considering the fragility of egos and the binary nature of trust it’s no wonder so many marriages end in divorce.
ONE + ONE = TWO TOO MUCH
I choose to only focus on the part I played in our unraveling. While it certainly takes two to tango, my ex-wife’s story is not mine to tell. I can tell you it has taken some serious work, remarkable depths of introspection to get clear on how I faltered as a husband. I’ve arrived upon two key mistakes, so toxic in combination in less than 4 short years the love of my life was done. One of the last of our network of amazing friends to marry, we’re the first to divorce.
MISTAKE #1: Perpetually dismissed my wife’s feelings
I’m embarrassed every time I say this out loud. I didn’t realize you can’t logically dismiss a feeling without dismissing the person experiencing the feeling. Emotionally detached for the better part of 40 years, it just didn’t register. A blind spot. When you ignore feelings every day you learn to focus on the words spoken. I couldn’t hear what my wife (or anyone for that matter) was trying to communicate emotionally. Logically winning any argument or debate because I wasn’t playing fair, I was completely tone deaf to any and all emotional communication.
MISTAKE #2: Not giving the space necessary to heal
Owning this mistake stings considerably more than the first because it was avoidable. Rather than trust our connection, our history, our loving bond, I chose to demand an explanation. Not once, not occasionally, not even lovingly. No, my manner of choice was to badger, hound, pout, or otherwise regularly pester this woman to provide an explanation of what was wrong. This poor woman, facing daily inquisition, eventually began to offer any explanation that would provide some measure of relief. She simply didn’t know, but not knowing wasn’t going to be received as a reasonable reply, not by this logically smug jerk at least.
To make matters worse I would posit that my ongoing investigations were proof I cared, evidence of my love and commitment to our relationship. “Wild goose chases” I’d accuse her of sending me on, somehow missing the larger pattern being revealed. One-by-one I would disprove or discredit the latest postulation thereby choosing to ignore that intellect is just as guilty as beauty as a sure conduit to vanity. Death by a thousand paper cuts, or in this case, dismissals.
Mistake #1 + Mistake #2 = Pompous Ass
A few years ago I read a provocative white paper suggesting that reasoning was more about winning an argument than it was about discovering truths. Clearly I was only interested in winning arguments. Or at least I was until my wife sat across from me in our home office and informed me that her lawyer had emailed to let her know the papers had been filed. September 5th, 2015, a day I won’t soon, if ever forget. It was no longer just talk. It was real. Spending the better part of the next 6–8 months in shock and denial, I began a journey to reconnect with myself so I could actually be present for others. Even my pompous ego couldn’t ignore the inescapable truth: I’ve unwittingly failed this marriage and squandered the trust of the woman I wished to spend all of my tomorrows with.
Today I’m a changed man, a better man who listens with both his mind and his heart now. For this, I am thankful; I can already confess sincere gratitude for my ex-wife…while I was desperately failing in trying to save our marriage and our family, she either knowingly or unknowingly saved us both from something less than we bargained for.
I wish for her a wholehearted life full of all that she desires. She woke me from a 20+ year emotional coma; I already know I will experience a richer life because of it.
October 17th, 2005 is another day I will never forget. On this day I met the mother of my child on a flight from Denver to Houston. We both loved telling the story of that day. It was the beginning of what felt like a fairytale. Those who know me know how much I enjoy telling stories, and I know I will continue to tell the story of that day, on behalf of our wonderful little girl. It’s her story now…which means it’s still very much a fairytale.
Collaterally…
I’d like to express my sincere regret for any impact or toll this divorce has had on anyone reading these words. We tried to do our best to not vilify each other to others, but recognize that we’re not always at our best when we were feeling the most hurt. We continue to love all of you. Fact: one of the reasons we fell in love is how much we both loved caring and loving all of our friends and family.
I have no idea what the future holds for us as a family, but please know that we are committed to being as gracious as wounded souls can be. We still love each other and move forward fully focused on being the best parents (please refrain from the term“co-parenting” as it adds no value to our daughter’s life) we can possibly be.
Finally, I would ask everyone on all sides of our lives to accept our thanks for your support and well wishes, and to request your support in helping us to move forward and accept the past.
With love, light, hope, and gratitude,
Please note: This is the perspective of a man who still deeply loves his ex-wife, a man only recently freed from the desire to reconcile or occasional moments of shock and disbelief. Any failures in neutrality and/or objectivity not clearly indicated are encouraged to be referenced or highlighted via comments.
