The only conceivable reasons you might actually be thinking about voting for Donald Trump

Aside from you’re out of your mind

You’re a single-issue voter and that issue is finger size.

Your brother was imprisoned while visiting Moscow to attend an anti-government protest and you recently received an email explaining that he’ll only be released once you reply with a photograph of yourself voting for Donald Trump.

You were Donald Trump’s roommate in boarding school and he allowed you to take the top bunk with the understanding that you’d vote for him if he ever ran for office, and you hate women.

You appreciate that he’s not a career politician and share his passionate hatred for minorities.

You like that he says exactly what’s on his mind and you are also a hapless dimwit.

You’re not so excited about Trump, but there’s something about the way Mike Pence looks like a poorly-varnished marionette that you find enchanting.

You’re Melania Trump and you’re not totally sure of everything you agreed to in the pre-nup but you’re not taking any chances.

You’re Tiffany Trump and you haven’t given up on snagging a piece of whatever inheritance dad leaves behind.

In 1997 you attended a taping of The Rosie O’Donnell Show during which an errant Koosh ball struck you in the eye. After almost two decades of lying in wait, you’re exacting your revenge.

The only thing that brings you more pleasure than your evangelical ministry is your total hypocrisy.

You’re suspicious of Hillary Clinton’s “stamina” and feel that an overweight 70-year-old man with watery eyes, anger issues, and skin that looks like toilet paper soaked in orange soda is the picture of good health.

You also haven’t paid taxes since the mid-1990s and are counting on a Trump presidency showing some leniency on this issue.

You simply cannot get past your complete misunderstanding of whatever happened in Benghazi.