Mean Thoughts About the Fuller House Premiere

Everywhere you look

• “Damn, we all still look good, except for those of us who don’t.”
• Fuller House is actually a documentary about the Tanner family’s collective struggle with early onset Alzheimer’s. None of them remember one another or what they are currently doing with their lives, necessitating a full update every time they see each other for the first time in a while. How can we laugh at this?
• It’s fitting that Carly Rae Jepson sings the theme song cover, as “Call Me Maybe” is the musical equivalent to the original Full House series: too sweet for its own good yet somehow an infectious footnote of popular culture that will never fully fade away. In 30 years, get ready for “Call Me More Maybe,” with liner notes by John Stamos.
• Scott Weinger is getting grayer with each passing scene.
• Jesse and Rebecca are the worst parents in the world and have raised two terrible human beings. Hilarity ensues?
• It’s time to be real: “Forever” wasn’t a good song the first time around.
• There are two big reasons why Stephanie Tanner has made it as a popular deejay, and they are on full display for the majority of this episode. Everywhere you look, indeed.
• You can fault this show for being unrealistic, but I think we can all agree that Kimmy ending up as a single mom divorced from a Hispanic stereotype seems about right.
• Uncle Jesse’s ribbing of Joey’s pathetic life and habits rings a bit too true when he’s pushing 60. Who is paying to see his Bullwinkle impression in Vegas?
• Why are the three main reasons to tune into this reboot being written out after the pilot? You mean I’m supposed to care about these new kids?
• Speaking of these kids, there’s no way they would know who the Flintstones are, much less know all the words to the theme song.
• Good to see that Danny Tanner eventually got over the death of his wife and was able to bag a much younger trophy wife.
• I’m too old for this sh*t.