Grand Theft Prosciutto: Pandemonium As Purveyor Pings Pilferering Pensioner
Local newspaper, The Manly Daily, changed the name of salami-swinging superhero and cabanossi commando Mick Calabrese to “Mark” to protect his privacy and trip up paparazzi.
There are enough heavy stories in our daily news digest — and we’re never left waiting with another shocking, tragic, sad, sensational, exclusive, or bizarre tale ready to go, or just around the corner.
But when a journalist stumbles across a simple story like this one, about a “Ham-burgler” striking the Quattro Formaggi Deli at Warringah Mall, there’s something genuine and real about it that’s easily recognisable.
It’s something real, something that’s actually happened and not a concoction from the ‘interwebs’ or a television soap or in some form of packaged bumpf, disguised as news.
Inspiring Audiences With Smile-Inducing Stories
This one made me smile and laugh — the absurdity of a superhero armed with prosciutto was hilarious.
Of course, the actual story doesn’t involve a weird cache of cured meat weaponry that saves the day after in an in-store deli brawl.
There’s no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-style aerial maneouvres or flying sideways salami slaps and no prosciutto penetration (don’t even ask, just blame my temporary alliteration obsession).
But it doesn’t matter that there’s no spectacular building explosions, car chases or false alarms caused by unannounced terrorist training drills. The genius is in the ability to sense a story’s potential to somehow inspire.
What did it for me was the shot of Mick Calabrese in lethal salami attack stance. It cracked me up and inspired me to re-imagine it.
Prosciutto Pilferer Was A Ham Haggler But Mick Calabrese Legendary In Handling Heist
The culprit was clearly a veteran — before doing the ham ‘Harry Holt’, he haggled over the pricing of two different pieces of prosciutto.
“He asked if he could have a discount because it was a bigger piece, so I offered him 25 per cent but then he said ‘No’ and took a smaller piece, so he took a $60 piece and I told him he could have it for $50,” Mick told The Manly Daily.
The cheeky old bugger had done his deli reconnaissance and had a plan. He bought the small piece, waited for the staffer serving him to turn and head for the cash register, then swiped the big bit, concealing it under his jacket.
Mick could sense something was not right and footage from the CCTV cameras in the shop confirmed his fears — he now had a fancy food fugitive to hunt down.
Turning his thoughts to the challenge, he knew it would need speed, efficiency and strategy to successfully execute the ‘search, locate and retrieve’ mission.
His paramilitary prosciutto pedigree didn’t let him down. The deli defrauding deviant was on the run for less than 24 hours when Mick nabbed him in a surprise sting, in lane three of Warringah Mall’s Aldi Supermarket — zucchinis were on special and he was feeling around for a good one. He was oblivious to the fact that Mick too was feeling around… for a felon.
He confronted the “Ham-burglar”, who predictably tried it on by claiming ‘hamnesia’ — but there’s nothing shifty a deli operator hasn’t seen. Mick wasn’t having a bar of it.
Instead, he told the man: “check out the video quality of my new phone”. Of course that video starred him in a lead role in a deli location shoot, so he quickly coughed up for the prosciutto without the cops having to get involved.
And that just meant the naughty Nonno would not have to get used to eating a new kind of prosciutto, while locked in a cell with a huge guy named Jerome.
The deli defrauding deviant was on the run for less than 24 hours when Mick nabbed him in a surprise sting, in lane three of Warringah Mall’s Aldi Supermarket — zucchinis were on special and he was feeling around for a good one. He was oblivious to the fact that Mick too was feeling around… for a felon.
Media’s Role As The Entertainer
Video footage of the prosciutto theft and getaway was probably the clincher for The Manly Daily’s editor Nick Calacouras and it kept News Limited’s content boffins happy.
Calacouras would have to be the envy of many an Aussie journalist because he’s lucky enough to have had a stint at The Northern Territory News, arguably the nation’s most entertaining newspaper.
The Darwin-based daily never fails to deliver a consistent supply of cheeky headlines and bizarre stories and its reader can’t get enough of it.
The NT News is unsurpassed as an authority on incidents involving crocodiles and for its reporters it’s probably a mandatory requirement to do at least one story of the salt water, reptilian kind. Calacouras passes that threshold with high distinctions, with additional skills in UFO reporting and particularly the issue of an inevitable NT alien invasion.
But on the way he’s been recognised as one of News Limited’s rising stars and entrusted to lead its Sydney suburban flagship.
It kind of smashes the idea that reaching the top of your game necessitates
One memorable NT News front page offers to explain “Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker (victim reveals all)”. That provides for some mystery — was it a Jatz or was it a 25-ball shooter? That may be in the story, I haven’t checked.
When media heavyweights James Packer and David Gyngell decided to get smashed and have a daytime wrestle, the NT News front page addressed what everyone would be wondering: “Why I’ve got a Packer up my clacker”.
Then there’s the NT News “EXPOOSIVE” with headline “He left a dump instead of a tip” and a sub-heading revealing all: “Taxi driver’s crap night out as passenger offloads massive steamer during drive home >>P2”. Nuff said.
Anyway, I digress.
Back to tale of the cabanossi commando and I reckon the ‘Ham-burglar’ story shows that Sydney’s suburban press can match it with the ‘top end’ for stories that bring a smile or a chuckle — all this one needed was a photographic subject with a serious, straight face and a raised salami.
For Calacouras, The Manly Daily’s “Ham-burglar” splash in early August, 2016, was probably as good as any of the other front pages he’s worked on and definitely wasn’t a croc.
Don’t let me keep you in suspense. You can check out the story below.
[DISCLOSURE: Mick Calabrese is a friend I met in local soccer (football) before his military training with the Puglia Prosciutto Protectorate and before achieving his ‘Cabanossi Commando’ credentials with Italian Special Forces. I’ve never known him to exhibit any form of violence or express any aspirations involving military-precision execution of dissidents or high-risk hostage extractions using cured meat weaponry.]
NB: The Manly Daily cleverly stuck with the “Mark” disguise in its Tuesday edition the following week, when one of its readers wrote in….
