I Ran Away From My Depression

So I’ve been meaning to write something on this subject but I found it very hard to find the words. It’s not something I’m ashamed of or want to keep a secret, it’s just I’ve always found it difficult to speak about my feelings.

I started this blog around this time last year as a way to keep a log of all my travels and as a creative outlet in order to improve my writing skills.

I wrote of the excitement and the giddy anxious waves of momentary panic whenever I thought about the idea of actually having to fly to the other side of the world and travel mostly by myself.

Also at the same time- I started a private journal just for my thoughts and ideas where I could write down just how I was feeling as the days went by.

When I finally took the plunge and jumped- The writing really took off.- I was so busy writing about all the new places and people I was discovering, that bit by bit, I stopped writing in my journal about how I was feeling (I was also filling up a travel journal at the time).

In my rush to escape from daily life (And having to wear shoes) I jumped a little too soon. Not that I wasn’t ready- it was just my bank account total that was the problem

At the start everything was going great and I would wake up every morning with a smile and a feeling of accomplishment that I’d finally done what I’d always set out to do. But as the days went by and my bank account gradually trickled to a very worrying low- I started to develop some form of anxiety. More and more that voice in the back of my head saying “you can’t afford this” got louder and louder to the point it was all I could think about.

So,

I came home.

This I thought would solve all of my problems- the anxiety would lift- and everything would go back to the way it was before.

It didn’t go away.

This then lead to me overthinking things and finally depression set in. I would wake up wondering what made it all worth it, I would go out with my friends and try have a good time but it was still in the back of my head that I wasn’t having as much fun as I should and sometimes not be enjoying myself at all no matter what.

I had stopped writing about how I was feeling so hadn’t discovered that I had let this slowly happen. You don’t just wake up one day and find yourself depressed, it creeps up on you and fogs your brain slowly.

Two things dragged me out of it.

One-

Eventually I decided to talk about it and let a small number of people close to me know that I wasn’t ok. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me or tip toe around me, but I wanted them to know that I wasn’t feeling 100% like I should be. This helped an incredible amount and made me feel like a huge weight had been lifted and I could finally breathe easy knowing it’s alright to be not ok.

And two-

I started running again. Two of my friends wanted to run the marathon for the first time so I said I’d go and run it again. The positive effect the training had on my brain was almost instant. Suddenly I woke up feeling more positive about what the day would bring and I began to properly enjoy myself again.

My point is not that everyone should go and become marathon runners, it’s that you should go and let people close to you know if you’re not ok. Its not something to be embarrassed about, no one will judge you and sometimes you have to let yourself be vulnerable in order to empower yourself to make a positive change.

My second point is that you should find a healthy outlet to get all that extra energy that would usually be spent on overthinking things- be it; swimming, cycling, running, even walking and meditating.

I’m not saying this will cure everyone’s depression but it’s definitely a positive step in the right direction.

(See what I did there?)

I just felt I should write this post in the hope it helps anyone out there who’s currently or has ever felt the same way.

Peace & Love

Leon.