These Demons Keep Calling My Soul
Recently, a longtime friend passed away due to an overdose. Due to death being a constant in my life since before I could remember, I’ve developed a habit of brushing off any emotional attachment to the situation. This time just happened to be different.
Our friendship started in 7th grade. We both happened to be in our school’s Gifted & Talented program, but since the most of other students felt we didn’t really belong, we built a rapport with each other. Over time,we grew closer via shared interests of sports, drugs, criminal activity, and that weird sense of knowing you don’t quite fit in anywhere. You know, typical boyhood bullshit.
As we hit adulthood, things got murkier. The wickedness of the world helped develop indulgences into full fledged coping mechanisms. Over the course of a few years, we had over 20 mutual friends pass away while a large number fell victim to the school-to-prison pipeline. Nothing like a extended series of harrowing events to lead you down a lonely path of mental health issues and substance abuse. We both knew that we had to do whatever we had to do to try and make something of ourselves. Unfortunately, this led to a multitude of questionable choices and and ever-growing sense of remorse. Having any semblance of success marred by the misery of knowing that an overwhelming amount of your loved ones will never experience this is damn near soul crushing.
Eventually, the pain and suffering became too much and my friend’s life came to an abrupt end. While he may longer have to deal with the ills of society, I’m still here to ponder it all. I’m still losing friends. I’m still watching my dreams die. I’m still getting my legal status in this country questioned. I’m still dealing with the fact my dad decided contributing to Mexico’s drug war was more fulfilling than being a father. I’m still dealing with the fact that he’ll talk to everyone except the person he bestowed his name upon.
I’m still feeling alone in this world, wondering if this shit is really worth it.