Actually, imma keep cooking pasta from a box. Thanks.

Stop hand-crafting your pasta, you idiot.

Jan 29, 2018 · 3 min read

Chaz Hutton is a good digital friend of mine. Or at least he used to be until he wrote this.

His guide wasn’t simply witty and persuasive. Oh no. Ol’ Chaz also drew his own illustrations. Insufferable. He’s so much better than me and I hate it.

My artistic prowess is entirely dependent upon my ability to search on Unsplash. Look. Here’s my artwork. Hope you enjoy it, because it’s all you’re getting.

“Pasta” on Unsplash. Hooray, I made art.

Why I’ll Keep Cooking Pasta From A Box

  1. Do you see this 3-year-old? Well? Do you? Because he’s in my kitchen every night, and he shows up hungry. He wants his mac and cheese. So if I tell him “Hang on, kiddo. Daddy’s trying to find the perfect flour & egg combination for these noodles,” he will straight up poop on my floor.
  2. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I travel to Modena without realizing it? Wait, am I the owner of and genius behind Osteria Francescana? I’M NOT? I’m actually a suburban 34-year-old who prefers to shovel food instead of savoring it? Well then. Boxed pasta it shall be. Jeeves! Pass the $4 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, per favore.
  3. That doughy goo feels icky and it makes me mad. Go back to my Unsplash collage and look at the second photo from the top in the middle column. See that chef’s fingertips? Yeah. That’s my nightmare. Know what doesn’t get doughy goo on my fingertips? Boxed pasta.
  4. Doughy goo. A great phrase. I just wanted to say it again. Finally, and most importantly,
  5. I DO NOT WANT TO AND YOU CANNOT MAKE ME. Create, create, create. It’s all I do every workday. Who are these superhumans who can return home and keep creating? Because I can’t do it. I need a break and I want to consume something without having to sweat over it. I’m not picky. Food, entertainment, whatever. Please just let me turn off my brain and fire it into my mouth.

How To Cook Pasta From A Box

  1. Read the box.
  2. Literally no other steps.

Shoutout to Al Dente. Not sure who he is, but he’s obviously a legend in the pasta community since his cooking recommendations are on every box. Love you, Al.

In Summation:

Join the movement and cook boxed pasta. It saves time, you won’t make a mess, and there won’t be poop on your floor.

One final question. Please answer honestly.

Would I Defeat Chaz Hutton In Hand-To-Hand Combat?

Please cast your vote in the comments. Know that I’m 6'4" and 205 pounds. That’s good for me. Know also that I work out about as often as I pay my gas bill. That’s bad for me.

Luke Trayser

Written by

ACD and copy guy at Ivor Andrew. Freelance copywriting mercenary. Not my real hair. Get in touch on Twitter or email ltrayser at gmail.

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