“WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN?!” Screams Dad Who Only Says Things That Suck

CHICAGO, IL—Whole Foods Market shoppers were treated to a full-blown fatherhood meltdown this past Wednesday when Todd Fitzsimmons, a 31-year-old father of two, lost his cool in the cereal aisle. Witnesses tell me Fitzsimmons screamed “WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN?!” at his 4-year-old daughter, grabbed a cereal box out of her hands, and hurled it three aisles over. The cereal box broke a bottle of asparagus water priced at $749.99.

When approached for comment, Fitzsimmons had cooled down a bit and was no longer speaking in all caps. “I just don’t get it,” he said. “The whole time, I’m telling her, ‘Do not grab that cereal. Don’t do it. Hey. If you do it, there’s gonna be trouble,’ and then she does it anyway! I know she hears me. I wonder if she has a learning disability.”

Fitzsimmons, whose name is Todd because of course it is, hasn’t figured out that his offspring are not actually versions of him, but completely unique individuals with still-developing brains. Whenever his kids defy him, he sees it as a fight to win and not a moment where teaching can occur.

At press time, witnesses were feeling terrible for the kids and arguing about whether Fitzsimmons has a learning disability or just plain sucks.

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