I was trying to explain to my sister how my process of grieving was and how much the emotions I felt made me writhe and talk in voices that did not belong to me, how I would feel like I was choking on unexpressed thoughts and feelings. She laughed saying how awkward it’ll be if she caught me crying like that, and I assured her that those moments were to be witnessed by my own self, alone. It’s always fasinating watching myself within those thoughts, clenched fists, eyes wide and red, I also think it’s easy to be drawn to those kind of experiences, our beings have a way of drawing out a climatic experience from our monotonous lives in some way, these short plays where you’re both performer and spectator.
Grief is usually associated with a feeling of loss, or fear or both. I grieve for such reasons, be it the loss of. someone or something else that I’ve. measured up to a part of myself, and that grief is the same kind/amount every time, it’s never a little less painful, or little heavier, it comes blotting out whatever memory I had of the last time and takes it place in that present.
I like Haruki Murakami and I decided that he was an honest person, or at least I consider his writing quite honest, especially because I enjoy the thought process in his stories. I have recently seen a film, “Norwegian Wood”, based on one of his novels as named above. It explores feelings of love and the grief of losing someone combined with a good dose of mental instability, the kind that one chooses to fall into and lose themselves and of course I find this highly relatable, yes, even the part about being mentally unstable, not because I deem myself sane or insane, but that I can understand how those choices pan out and how much pain and fear come into play for our general wellbeing, physically and all.
I recently have had a chance to grieve over losing someone I loved, not to death but just out of my perception of being able to reach this person in certain ways, He lives! But yes, it has been interesting because I’m often confronted with questions on possession, patience or loneliness and desperation” , which if I explain better are questions on whether love required you to possess a person or whether patience was the better virtue and would be rewarding at a later time. OR if all my feelings were emanating from the fear of ending up alone forever and ever and ever. I don’t have answers to it all, but I’m not eager to answer them I’ve also learnt. There’s a stronger love affair between me and life, life in terms of its processes/experiences, so though I am in pain or go through the cycle of it, I find that I’m more open to it almost too lovingly in fact, so that underneath all of these changing emotions is a good foundation of Joy, joy of simply being and this “opportunity” to experience (I can also on the other hand say, this is my pseudo-survival method and maybe not essentially the reality of anything, but hey, what’s the right kind of reality?) I haven’t come to this point of my life in the easiest way, It’s in fact not a permanent position or contentment, or maybe it is and there we have it, this unknowing I am truly in love with. We find ways to often struggle with knowledge of parts of our lives of our selves, the future, other people, the ones we hate and love, whether or not we’d lose if we tried, and I’ve given up early at that tedious process, it’s not the giving up that glues you to a spot and maybe I can’t even define for anyone what this stance is, but this can only be an attempt to communicate properly this aliveness and through it will I live. It’s that now I’m thirsting to know and not know at the same time, believing that the joy of discovery can be a permanent feature in my life experience.
All images from the film “Norwegian Wood” inspired by the book “Norwegian Wood” written by Haruki Murakami.