Dear future wife —i’m sorry.

Whoever is you, I’m firmly convinced I owe you an apology. Early, considering I might not have found you yet, but the greatest strength in life is knowing how good we can be at things, but also embracing those we’re bad at — being perfect in this case.

Don’t get it twisted. I didn’t — like at all, expect my first steps as a Pulitzer-winning author talking about love and how i’m not good at something. I’m way more of a self-proud. But since we’re here, dear future wife.

I think I should let you know why you might wish not to meet me— ever . Why you shouldn’t double tap my Instagram latest post or fall for my eyes at a random party. Or why if you already did, you should think twice about saying “yes, I do”.

They’re many you’ll have to face, but as I’m lazy — not part of the points, breathe — get these 5.

1. I’ll be a man. But, not Disney’s.

I have this thing, for debates about representation issues. “A man should be — insert characteristic that made your daddy very special to your mom & the 6-year-old you — ”. I totally admire that, my Dad was great too. Yeah, cause I’m very hilarious.

I’ll barely fit in any of these stereotypes of yours, your friends’ or favorite Pinterest “quote for girls” thread, no. I don’t play football, I’ll probably forget how many months we’ve been together or your favorite color. I might not text you in the morning, or come get you on a lame horse as I’m not a huge fan of Robin Wood — and lucky me.

I won’t be your prince charming. Overrated.

2. I’ll make you smile, and then make you regret.

I’m a smiler. Like for real, my friends call it a trademark though I’m not that deep. You’ll probably think that too. “Your smile is so bright, are you ever unhappy? I wonder.”

That’s the sound of a well leaded strategy. Because I actually am very — very and for not even big deals — often unhappy. You’ll experience that. But don’t be scared. A kiss or a calmly said “don’t worry, it will be fine” makes it fade away as fast as it came through.

So yeah, I’ll make you smile. I’ll be genuinely having quality jokes, sarcasm and funny memes by your social media dms. Just not everyday. Just like Jesus, I too have a rest.

3. I’ll make you feel useless, and promise you it’s fine.

I report this from you. Or if we haven’t already met, my former yous. I made some of y’all feeling useless. As a leading member of the selfish asses league, I — since like forever — bless the day I found in my own self a refuge. At least for me it has kind of been a blessing, but might become your biggest issue. Finding inner satisfaction is great as a self-love therapy. Will Smith could tell you just the same. But — cause there’s a but — , you’ll suffer from it.

How. Let me explain. I won’t expect you to cheer me up. To tell me I’m gonna be okay. That you’re here for me, whenever I need to talk about that very important thing that threatens my mental equilibrium.

I’ll hardly take that “advice” you think would be important for me to hear, though your intentions are the sweetest. My bestfriend will probably know more about my favorite color, song and movie. She’s been there before, and I’ll try to make you understand

“that’s how I am, can’t you just get it?”.

4. I’ll make you believe I’m not bipolar. When I am.

“How do you even manage to be such a cutie, and the minute after a totally unrecognizable human being”

Yeah, typical. But I can explain, just like all the rest. I’m not a crazy-bipolar. I’m —almost — a doctor, so trust me. I’m more of a “mind twisted cliché”.

My mom once told me I had my left-shoulder little angel eaten by my other side devil, and that I looked like I was permanently struggling with harsh thoughts. She so doesn’t know me — sighs. Cause I actually ate both of them.

Plus, YE is my favorite album. So you already know — I love being bipolar. It’s awesome.

FYI, if you didn’t get this reference, know we’re already done.

5. I’ll have you fall in love, with a one-third side of me.

Because just like you’ll probably wear your favorite Fenty Beauty shades on our first date, I’ll be on my suit & tie. I mean not literally, but more like I’ll make sure my emotional status is turned on a fairytale mode.

This is a warning. Run. Like, fast.

I’ll let you know how Ceasar Salad is my favorite one. Crusty bread, yeah don’t tell me. I’ll compliment the moment we’re spending, the look in your eyes, and of course how “I didn’t have such a great time in a longtime.”

I won’t even be lying. And that’s the worst part. Because you’re gonna take that me for granted. So will I…

And for both of us, it will get harder next to deal with the left 2-third.

Selfish, unfriendly to commitment, calling drama out of actual love faces, on a permanently defensive behavior, mood twisting, reluctant to way too serious conversations.

Because yeah, that’s what we’re talking about. If you’re not already running, and still have the slightiest crush on me, you might need a therapy just as much as I do.

Because.

In a nutshell, I’ll make you forget how, why you ever loved me. Because, I’m not sure I remember myself. Except that for me, it doesn’t matter. I had to, you didn’t.

Your mission, if you accept it, is not to fall in love with me. Because I’m waiting for somebody, who actually read this 5-points shit, without loosing a single smile. Somebody crazy enough to leave a “I don’t care, I love you” right below this. Cause guess what, we weird ass niggas don’t apologize for what we’re unfortunately stuck into. Or expect redemption from perfect mother-marys. We live, embrace us, say sorry but not that much, because we’re the only thing we have left. We might have a cancer — thank God I can state such things as metaphors — , but we’re willing to unveil and embrace our left non-neoplastic cells, while waiting for chemotherapy to get cheaper and with less side effects. We love our hair though.

So, as final curtain down, images might speak louder. But know, I’ll always do my best — I promise.

Love, J.