I am X

Hi, I am X. I am at a crossroads. I follow Christ, except not right now. See, I have just finished sinning, and I am reflecting on why I do what I do.

Normally, I’m not so forthright, but here’s the unvarnished truth: I am attracted to the same sex. And I hate it. It’s alluring, enticing, and powerful. What is this power? Where does it come from? In its presence, I am incapacitated; almost as if enslaved. A strong power often will come from nowhere, or from the most inconspicuous sources and call me to sin—to destroy the image I’m supposed to bear, that is, the image of God.

And then I sin, and realizing what I've accomplished, confess to God. Every time, I ask for repentance—for the ability to turn away once and for all from what I do. Only a few days or weeks later, and I return to that idol that calls me.

Living as a Christian is a paradox. We’re to live in this world, but live as if strangers. It’s difficult, harsh, and not for the faint of heart. It means denying myself whatever I sinfully cherish. It means putting aside my own immediate desires in faith of what God has done (died on the cross for us) and in faith to what he’s promised (everlasting abundant life). It means getting up right after sinning, and confessing to God how much I've distorted the image I bear. It means less of me, more of Him.

Even now, I struggle to live that way. It is a constant tug-of-war between conforming to the society around me, and conforming to the society Christ is setting up. I pray, that in the end, I have endured to the end, not on my power or effort, but on God’s power.