How to “do coffee”

I do coffee a lot these days. It’s an invaluable way to form relationships, absorb new ways of thinking, and learn things that can’t be published. But it can also be a total waste of time.

Here’s how to ask for coffees, how to make sure it isn’t a waste of time, and how to carry the conversation forward when you’re done.

First, it’s important to consider your audience. I primarily get coffee with three groups of people, and use different approaches for each of them:

1. PMs-to-be
2. Current PMs
3. Founders/Investors

1. PMs-to-be

Within two years’ time I moved from managing an art gallery in New York City to product management at a large tech company. Because I’ve written publicly about this process and what I’ve learned, many aspiring product managers reach out for advice.

I’m happy to chat, but I look for coffee-askers to do at least 2 of the following 6 things:

1. Make it clear how coffee with me will help you.

While I may have a lot to offer on a variety of topics, I have no idea what you need or are looking for. If you also don’t know, the coffee will be a waste of our time.

2. Put in some effort.

Did you do any homework?

“I saw your piece about A/B testing, and wanted to learn more” is ok, but better: “I saw your piece about A/B testing and I know Yammer has always been really data-motivated—I would love to learn more about how your team approaches data-driven development.” Ringer!

3. Demonstrate you have something to contribute.

Not mandatory; but if someone is looking for my advice AND has something to teach me, I’m REALLY interested in speaking with that person.

4. Phrase your ask in a unique way.

When I see wording that’s slightly left-of-center, I usually take that as a proxy for this person’s ability to have original thoughts.

5. Make it all concise.

This is one of the best proxies that the time will be well-spent, efficient, and worthwhile for all.

6. Clarify if you are underrepresented in some way.

Immigrant? Non-technical background? Woman in tech? If you’re underrepresented in product management and it’s not obvious, point it out (tactfully). The whole industry benefits from more diversity of background and mindset—I’m always interested in helping you out!

Location: because I’m primarily helping out, I expect these coffees to be within a block of where I work.

2. Current PMs

A coffee with another current PM is a great place to learn best practices, good benchmarks, and new mental models.

These meetings tend to be beautifully reciprocal. At the coffee meeting, I also make a point of asking what kinds of challenges they are facing, so I can contribute something if I’m able. Or I’ll offer explicit access to information in the future if they come up with questions later.

Here are my two suggestions for requesting coffee with someone in a similar position to you:

1. Specify how this coffee will be meaningful for you.

I try to call out a specific feature or process in their org that I’ve noticed and would like to learn from.

2. Demonstrate that you’re happy to share with them.

Either mention something specific you think they’d be interested in or use vague phrasing that indicates you’re expecting to give information as well.

Location: because these are generally equally beneficial, these coffees usually happen somewhere between our respective offices. However, whoever asks for the coffee will travel further to the other person.

3. Founders / Investors

I have less to offer founders & investors, but that doesn’t mean I’m empty handed.

With founders, I like to mention various things in org process that I’ve seen work well — they are often working on these things at their org and may not think to ask me. I’ll also ask if there’s anything I can help them with, now or in the future.

With investors, I ask what type of people they are looking to connect with. I’ve found this offer resonates really well with investors. Since I put energy into getting to know a variety of people and love connecting, I’m really well positioned to do this.

Coffee with an investor or founder is basically the inverse of me getting coffee with an aspiring PM, though not quite as direct since I’m not actively trying to be a founder (right now). I generally try to do what I like to see when those aspiring PMs ask me for coffee, and I’ve found these two things work particularly well:

1. Offer them something to think about.

Thanks to the current trend in VCs-as-content-marketers, investors tend to have a lot of public thoughts available. For founders, check any company’s blog or founder’s tweets for what’s on their mind. In all cases, it’s easy to add something on topics that are relevant to their interests—as long as you give it some thought.

2. Indicate at least one tangible thing you’re looking to gain.

Ideally, something they’re actively dealing with or writing about. An intriguing product update you might try, a trend they’re digging into that affects your roadmap, a challenge you’re working on that their team or portfolio has recently addressed.

People want to help. But they want to make sure their help will be well-used.

Location: because of the power dynamics here, I always expect to do these coffees at or next to their office.

Conclusion

In every instance, you’ll notice the same trend in my thought process.

In priority order:

1. What do they need that I’m a uniquely positioned to offer.
2. What do I need that they are uniquely positioned to offer.

Once you’ve figured that out, signal the value-add you expect to give/receive in advance, realize it over coffee, and leave the door open for future benefit.

Got other suggestions for best coffee practices? I’d love to hear them! And did you enjoy the read? I’d love a 💚 below!