Life without a Phone
My jaw hurt. A lot. A deep, searing pain buried to the bone on the right side of my face.
The pain had been hovering in the background for a while—maybe even weeks—but as I turned the key to lock my front door, the pain began to turn up.
I took the elevator to the first floor. Pain.
I walked down a few blocks to the cafe. Pain.
I waited the requisite 45 minutes for my brunch table. Pain.
I thought this Saturday morning date-with-myself, brunch-for-one, escape from “the grind” was supposed to help with the jaw. Why was is so much worse???
I considered looking up some possible causes, I thought about messaging a friend or sister for advice. But I had left my phone at home.
That was the whole point. Time alone. Just me, my book, and no obligations.
I felt it happening. A subtle throb had built up in my jaw for weeks. I wanted to fix it, but I couldn’t point to any single cause.
A new job—plenty of pressure there.
A new apartment (complete with new roommates)—could be part of it.
A new blogging habit—so much more attention to get (or not get!)
A new Apple Watch—all notifications, all the time….
Whatever the ultimate cause, I decided stillness seemed in order, and set out for a morning alone. At least, alone by technology’s standards.
Turns out, I can’t handle the anxiety of being without my phone.
With every step I took away from my digital connection, the pain got worse. It took over my senses. Blaring at me. Desperate to get back to the safety. Back to the web. To plug in.
I was hooked. Dependent. That steady drip of dopamine every time I checked my lock screen. Every time I open email… facebook.. snapchat.. whatapp.. messenger.. imessage.. twitter.. medium. Do they love? Am I valuable?
Little red badges became the pulse of my heart. The beat from incoming pings let me know I was alive.
If you had tried to warn me, I wouldn’t have listened. If you had said it could get this bad, I would have laughed. If you tried to express how much physical pain I would feel, I could not have comprehended.
‘Separation anxiety’ doesn’t being to cover it.
That Saturday was a few months ago now, but I can still remember the pain. When I tried again the next week, I had the same reaction… and the week following it… and the week following that….
Except each week things got a little easier, I got a little better, and my jaw hurt a little less.
Since that day, I’ve taken a few hours every weekend completely unplugged. Most times now I can barely feel that pain, and sometimes it’s gone altogether.
Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes our habits make it worse.
But it gets better.
❤️,
Anna Marie
