How Perfectionism Almost Stole My Life
The first time I came across decision paralysis, I was on IG, aimlessly combing the stories of my mutuals. I remember vividly whose story it was and how she casually mentioned it as something she was experiencing at the time about the same way she talked about some other things she was handling or learning to handle. She’s vulnerable like that.
As someone who never sees a new thing and just pass, I went straight to Google and skimmed through enough information that I needed to let go of the topic and ended my parade on the internet for that moment.
I don’t recall in particular how it went the next time I came across the subject, but then, I was more diligent, curious and intentional about it. I went on the same internet (bless God for it), sifted and dissected this uncommonly talked about mental condition and left only when I felt like I had read all the information there was about it.
Between the first time I came across decision paralysis and the second time it popped up, I have had to make significant, necessary decisions in my life and it didn’t help that I was ignorant and helpless. Every step of it was arduous. I came up with different techniques to fight back.
Sometimes, I’d sleep and tell myself I’d decide when I woke up. Other times, I’d play long rap music or spoken word poetry and sing along, with the thought that I’d deal with things at the end of the music. I’d go from playing one song to jamming an entire album and then return to the starting point. I read posts, books, surfed the internet and even did certain things I had no business doing, just to create an avenue to postpone decision-making. And I always came up with the most perfect excuses. I would cry when it got extremely obligatory and wish the entire situation away. It didn’t help that I easily pass as someone who doesn’t talk to others about their situation.
For an individual who seems to be meticulous with life in general, I would appear very nonchalant and unbothered when I’m confronted with those days. I’d be perceived as reckless and reactive by people who were involved.
The impact of decision paralysis is unbelievably real and it takes a long time to go away. It is nerve-wracking. Pathetic. Crippling. Overwhelming.
People who have decision paralysis often have many choices and believe that they have even more reasons to pick all of them, respectively. The problem isn’t always that they do not know what’s good for them, but that they know too much so that they want what’s best for them. Why pick a good thing when you can pick the best thing?
They may consider it to be a timing issue. "If only I had more time or I had known earlier, I’d have decided earlier", but it’s all a lie. The more the time, the longer your paralysis stays.
It’s been months since my mind got adequately fed and I am beginning to develop coping mechanisms. I am learning to leave the not-so-important decisions like picking a travel day or what to eat to chance. The last time I visited the bookstore, I settled for the suggestions of the attendant and forgot about my TBR list altogether. Yes, it’s as impetuous as it looks. If the paralysis hits, the last thing you’ll care about is your impulse.
And so, as I went through the materials for curtains and bedsheets at the market some weeks ago, I was filled with quiet gratitude that I had asked a friend to come shop with me. I still had preferences that I communicated to her and a budget that we worked with. In fact, I made choices we could pick from, but that much I did. Even though she didn't know that she was lifting a heavy burden off my neck for every final choice she made, I couldn't be more thankful for knowledge and growth. How an independent, finicky and obstinate child could learn to rely on someone to pick for her.
Of course there are big choices I can’t relegate to people, but I have decided to unburden myself as constantly as I can from the weight of perfectionism that mostly results in episodes of decision paralysis.
The world isn’t perfect, that’s why there are fruitless trees and stretch-marked skins. Nothing in this world will be perfect as long as it’s in this world and I’m learning to find peace in that reality.
I will always be required to make decisions as long as I live, but it doesn’t always have to be perfect. Not to say that I have fought and conquered, but that I am no longer afraid to keep fighting.
