Women want equality. But only when we want it.

Consider a business lunch meeting, date night or just hanging out with friends. Waiter brings the check and typically drops it off closer to the man. Ignoring that gender bias for a hot second, who do you think should pay?

I have discussed and analyzed this topic with many of my buddies and entrepreneur friends, both male and female. Two things are clear – women are not in agreement about who should pay the bill. And men, especially those that support gender equality, are confused about what they should do. We are sending mixed messages.

Do we really want equality? Or do we want equality just when it suits us? Currently, it’s the latter. And that’s just not cool.

Here are 7 reasons why it is REALLY, REALLY important that we, as women, start picking up the tab -

Reason 1: Send a clear message.

When we pay, the message we send to men is that we are equal. And because we want equality, we will pitch in. Simply put, it’s fair and equal.

Many women argue that they don’t make enough money. I understand if we cannot afford something fancy. Then don’t go visit fancy places that are beyond your reach, forgo the manicure or another pair of shoes. Go to places that you can afford and comfortably pitch in. And if you can’t do that either, then cook a nice meal. Find alternatives to pitch in equally or make an effort rather than finding excuses and reasons to justify why you shouldn’t pay.

Others argue that we don’t make the same amount of money as men. I agree it’s not fair that men make more money for the same position because they have the right body parts. Trust me, it pisses me off too. But we can play this game of chicken or the egg all day long. And I think we are better than that. Take the bull by the horns. While legislation eventually mandates this and women in the corporate world in positions of authority act on this issue, we can start to earn respect from men starting right now.

If Rosa Parks could risk getting beat up, Jackie Robinson could take insults and public humiliation, Gandhi could risk getting killed, then us offering to pick up the tab seems like a meager price to pay, no pun intended, in order to attain equality that we apparently want so badly.

Reason 2: Actions speak louder than words.

We can yell, bark and scream. And by the way, I do all of those things really well. But no matter how well we do this, our actions always speak louder than words. We need to put our money where our mouth is. If we really and truly want equality, then we need to step up to the plate. Pay the damn check. Period. And if we want men to continue paying for us, then we need to be honest with ourselves. If that’s what we really want, then stop crying about how we don’t have equality. We need to make up our minds.

Reason 3: You Stay Classy San Diego.

I mean, You Stay Classy Women. It’s the classy thing to do. It’s the classy way to earn their respect. Remember, we cannot demand or force someone to respect us. Respect is earned. So let’s earn it.

Reason 4: Investment.

Every time we offer to pay the check, we are investing in education and changing the future of the role that gender plays in the workplace and at home.

Reason 5: Popeye the sailorman … Toot, Toot!

Popeye got an instant boost of might and strength after he chugged down a can of spinach. When we pick up the tab, we give ourselves an instant boost of self-confidence, self-respect and independence. It’s the secret to the ultimate prize – freedom!

Reason 6: Laws of Attraction.

The law of attraction is the belief that “likes attract likes,” and that we attract every positive or negative event that happens to us. The three (3) basic steps to this law are ask, believe and receive. What we believe is what we will attract and receive. How we see ourselves and what we expect from ourselves is how others respond to us. So if we truly want to receive equality, then we need to believe and live it everyday. The rest will come to us.

Reason 7: Values remain constant.

I would argue that the same rules apply in business and personal settings. Many make a distinction by paying the tab in business settings, which is a great start. And then fall short in their personal life. But don’t we want equality in both the workplace and at home? Values don’t change based on the situation. If they do, then they are not your values. If we are proponents of equality, then our values should not change, regardless of business or personal setting.

Breaking down the behavior

Women think that men should pick up the tab. Duh, obviously! Within this school of thought, there are two (2) types of women. The first breed of women think that paying the check is beneath them or no way in hell are they paying the check. That’s what men are for. It’s their job. This encompasses entitlement, condescending attitude and /or a free loader mentality. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too. To my utter disappointment and horror, some top women executives think this way too. WTF!

The second breed of women think that men should pay because that’s how they were raised. They genuinely feel it’s the right thing for men to do. It’s almost like it’s part of the tradition. Their hearts are in the right place. And many men share these sentiments too. However, respectfully, I would argue that just because that’s how we were raised, doesn’t make it right. Our parents exercised some good parenting skills, some bad and some that simply need to be updated with changing times. Furthermore, if we, as women, want men to change their mindset of “how it has always been,” then shouldn’t we change our mindset first?

Men find it inconceivable for women to pick up the tab. After all, that’s just what gentlemen do. So let’s talk about being a gentleman. A true gentleman is someone who treats women with respect and dignity. A true gentleman views women as equal partners. A true gentleman stands up for us and protects us from sexual harassment, assault or rape. A true gentleman doesn’t subject women to catcalling and objectifying us. Picking up the tab and opening doors doesn’t make someone a gentleman; it’s not that easy.

Then there are men that pay because they have the right equipment. These are my personal favorite. When we start paying, we convey to men that we don’t care if they have a penis or testosterone. We have a vagina and estrogen.

Shall we call it a stalemate?

Good. I say we’re even then.

There is also the special breed of men that pay to show off or stroke their ego, which is derived from the size of their bank account. That’s a weak argument at best. I would suggest investing that money and muscle into an “Eat, Pray, Love” experience that will help increase your sense of self and overcome your insecurities.

In recent times, a new school of thought has emerged. Both genders believe that women should pitch in! Women that subscribe to this thought either choose to pay the entire bill, alternate each time or go dutch. Thank you for taking the lead! Some men that practice this are comfortable with women paying because they are moochers; they are looking for that free ride or the ride comes to them. More importantly, there are men that are comfortable with women paying because they respect women and see them as their equals. Their manhood doesn’t shrivel when a woman pulls out her credit card. They are secure in who they are as a person. The world needs more of you.

The Way Forward

1. Men — next time you go for that meeting or date, offer to go dutch or invite the woman to pay the bill. Please do so only if you truly believe in equality. Your intent and execution are important. Yes, many will think you were rude and may think less of you. But that’s okay. Call us out on our bullshit. We should not be sending mixed signals to you about gender equality.
2. Women — Think about the message we are sending to men. They are seriously confused. They are used to it. But that doesn’t make it right. If we want to be treated right, then we should offer that courtesy to men as well. And we should put our best foot forward first.
3. Parents — It starts with the kids. They are the future. What would you like to teach your little boy and your little girl?

PS – My sincerest thanks to all my work colleagues, clients and friends who allowed me to pay the check, even if it made you feel uncomfortable. Thank you for bestowing your respect upon me. And for NOT seeing me as a woman. Instead, for seeing me as a PERSON. Nothing more and nothing less.

Thank you to all who paid for my lunch or dinner because you simply wanted to be kind and generous.

Dad, thank you for treating me no different than my brother, especially when it came to education. Thank you for teaching me through your actions to have a high dosage of self-respect and dignity.

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