Oh, Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just A Famous Film Critic
Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just a famous film critic. I mean, relatively famous. I’m on the internet. Haven’t you heard of my blog? Oh, yes, it’s a very reputable establishment. I have over 500 twitter followers. I mean, I freelance elsewhere. Yes, I really do have credentials. I’ve been to several film festivals. No, I haven’t been to Sundance. Well, I’ve been to several local film festivals. Around New England? Well, more like around town. One time a famous director retweeted me. No, I do not write screenplays. No, I do not want to become a director. What do I think of Michael Bay? I think he’s fine. I’m rather ambivalent. You can read my 2500 word treatise on his work, actually, on my blog. I posit that he’s the next step in futurism in the mainstream. What’s futurism? Well…
I like Christopher Nolan a lot. I think his Batman movies are fine. What’s my favorite film? Actually, it’s Woody Allen’s Manhattan. I really like how there’s this dichotomy between the intellectuals and the — no, I don’t care about his personal life. I think people should separate the art and the artist. Yes, I feel the same way about Roman Polanski.
Oh, your cousin is an actor? That’s nice. Oh, well, I mean, one of my favorites is obvious Cary Grant. His line delivery of “I just went gay all of a sudden!” is really impeccable. It’s from Bringing Up Baby. It’s from 1938. You’ve never seen anything prior to 1995? Like, not even Psycho? It’s by Alfred Hitchcock? What do you mean black and white movies are boring? Yes, but what about something contemporary, like, Ida? It’s a Polish film. You don’t watch movies with subtitles? Okay, but how can you argue that both subtitled films and black and white films are boring if you’ve never seen them? You should give them a chance. I watch movies on Netflix. Yes, my opinion matters.
Sometimes I go to the theater. I get screeners, because it’s my job. I work for prestige. No, I’m not like Perez Hilton. His name was Roger Ebert, not William. Yes, I’d like to be as well-known as him. It’s unlikely, but — I’m sorry? He wrote film criticism. He did not win an Oscar. I do not know who will Oscars this year. Neil Patrick Harris can’t win an Oscar for How I Met Your Mother because that’s a tv show. Emmys are the TV show awards. No, I haven’t seen Breaking Bad.
Thank you for this coffee, I have to finish this review of The Interview.
Originally published at motionpicturesatarevolution.tumblr.com.