5 Even Cheaper Alternatives To MoviePass Invented By Your Estranged Uncle

Hey kiddo, I’ve been hearing a whole lotta noise about this MoviePass thing and now that I’m back in town for the first time in a decade, I figured it’s my place to be a sorta father figure / wise drifter type and save you some dollars and stop you from being a sucker. Don’t tell your actual father. Just off the top of my head, here are five ways to see a movie cheaper than this silly app deal.

1. Buy a ticket to one movie — go see four of ‘em!

This is an old standby I’ve done a million times. You fork over the fifteen bucks like an average chump, but then once that first movie is over — BOOM — you slip by security like a superspy ninja 100% unseen into the next theater. Granted, sometimes the only easily accessible theater entrance is for some stupid kids flick. “Oh no, is the talking animal gonna save the forest from the oil tycoon?” But hey, ya still stuck it to the man, baby!

SAVINGS: Do this like four times and suddenly each movie cost $3.75. Take that MoviePass.

2. Tell ’em you lost your cell phone in the theater

For this one you gotta do your best Dusty Hoffman and bring out the waterworks for the ticket taker. “Ohh, my flip phone, it’s in there somewhere and I have my grandma’s medication info in there!” Now, you gotta make sure they don’t go all ‘ticket taker in shining armor’ on you and look for your flip phone themselves. That’s a rookie mistake.

Insist on looking yourself and get progressively hysterical until their willpower just buckles beneath the weight of how annoying you’re being.

SAVINGS: Free movie! Stupid MoviePass doesn’t even work on my flip phone.

3. Hang out by the back dumpster and wait for them to take out the trash

A lot of you over-pampered Millennial wimps might find this stupid, but waiting quietly behind a dumpster until a sad employee comes out with some garbage is another surefire win. Just grab that exit door after this dweeb comes outside and — ZIPPITY BOOP — you’re in. Obviously if you’re spotted, you gotta knock the employee out, steal their uniform, and go enjoy some movies before they wake up.

SAVINGS: Also a free movie! NOTE: This method can sometimes take hours. But so can MoviePass when it takes forever to load on your mom’s iPhone that I borrowed once.

4. Get a job at a theater, see a bunch of free movies, then quit!

This is another tricky one ’cause you gotta convince a theater manager to hire you without them noticing your criminal history of numerous petty thefts, grand theft auto, and battery (My high school gym coach said Caddyshack was overrated, what was I supposed to do?). Once you find a theater desperate enough to hire you, you’re in! I’d say you’ve got about three days of free movie watching before you get shit-canned.

SAVINGS: With this one you actually MAKE money. Like $200. That’s about a million bucks in drifter dollars! MoviePass can’t get you from Tucson to Vegas to reclaim your life at the blackjack table but my methods sure can.

5. Ask your mom for some money like I do

Okay, this is pretty much a last resort but it’s the most straightforward way to see a movie and we both know your mom can’t say no when I go full on weepy Stallone in First Blood. I’m actually gonna go do this right now. Wanna tag along? I hear Dog Island is charmingly racist.

SAVINGS: All the savings, baby. Your mom might even let me borrow her smart phone so we can use MoviePass.