A Comprehensive List of What’s Staying and Going in Disney’s FOX Acquisition

While employees at Fox and Disney await to see if the Mouse House’s purchase is approved by the federal government, we at least have some knowledge of the items remaining with New Fox and what’s going in the sale. Our anonymous inside source has provided the list below:

1. Fox News — STAYING

The conservative news channel wouldn’t quite mesh with the more left-leaning vibe of Disney so this is kind of a no brainer.

2. Fox Sports — STAYING

We’re fairly certain that Disney would love to bring over the sports news outlet were it not for its previous acquisition of ESPN.

3. Doug from Accounting — GOING

Thank god, right? Doug’s the worst. He’s always late with checks which wouldn’t be a huge deal if he wasn’t always picking food out of his teeth with a toothpick in the break room. “We’re out of toothpicks again!” And stop showing us your stupid sword collection, you weirdo. Ugh… I will not miss this guy.

4. This Golf Cart — GOING

Disney fought tooth and nail to get this lil’ speedster. It’s been rigged to zip around at double the speed the others on the lot can go, so you can imagine why there was such a brutal tug of war.

5. Charlene the Topiary Person — STAYING

Yes! She cut that bush in front of James Brooks’ office into a goddamn Bart Simpson shape. How the hell does that even happen? She’s a miracle worker, the Michelangelo of yardwork, and Disney CANNOT take her away from us.

6. The Koi Fish — STAYING

The ones by that parking lot. Yeah. Disney didn’t want those.

7. Greg and His Hammers — GOING

I guess when we have to hang something up we’ll have to borrow our hammers from some other dude in the mill. It’s a real shame ’cause he was one of the less scary guys who worked in there. Approach them with caution!

8. The Good Printer — STAYING

Probably the biggest victory of all in this acquisition, honestly. Rumor has it that Bob Iger was visiting the lot once a couple years back when he witnessed this functional-as-fuck piece of art printing out script after script without a single jam or random error and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Wasn’t long after that day that we started hearing whispers about Disney buying Fox. Coincidence? Well, the funniest part is, he couldn’t even get the good printer in the deal. Jokes on him! Have fun forcing Deadpool into the Avengers somehow, buddy boy.

Welp. Those are all the most important parts, I’d say. Everything else is pretty miscellaneous and not worth reporting on, but at least now you’ve got the inside scoop before everybody else.