Barry Bonsai, Ghost Writer of Celebrity Apology Letters

Barry Bonsai, apology expert.

Caught in a scandal, super famous, and not sure what to say? Well apparently this situation has become so common that the studios have gone to self-described “apology expert” Barry Bonsai to help smooth over everything from glaring pay discrepancies to sexual harassment allegations. “Believe it or not, I’ve been apologizing since I was two years old,” says Bonsai, “I can’t exactly prove it, but I’ve probably said the words ‘I’m sorry’, I dunno, ten billion times? I was an incredibly clumsy child.”

Bonsai claims to have been hanging out with a drunken A-lister friend (who shall remain anonymous) in Hollywood one night when his career took root. “He was like, ‘What am I gonna do now, Bonsai? They’ll never let me star in any more Lethal Weapon movies after all this.’ Then he passes out and I start scribbling this apology letter on a napkin and I’m like, ‘Whoa, this is good shit!’” According to the legend, Bonsai showed the napkin to the actor’s manager who published it and within days the actor’s sentence was lightened and he was receiving sympathy letters from fans. “Look, I won’t say who the actor is but, hey, he’s in Daddy’s Home 2 now, so I’d say my work is done. Okay, fine, I’ll give you a clue…”

Ever since, Bonsai has been ghost writing tearful apologies for Tinsel Town’s hottest celebs, wracking in some serious dough and confusing the public’s opinion of famous wrongdoers. “Am I a bad person?” asks Bonsai, out of the blue during our interview, “Well, if I am, then I’m truly sorry. I should be better than this. I know I can be better than this. None of you deserve what I’ve done to you with these stupid letters.” At this point, The Salmon Pages’ reporter on the scene set a comforting hand on the tearful Bonsai’s shoulder after which the man shot to his feet with a huge grin and said, “Ta-daaaa!”

Of course, some celebrities have shirked off Bonsai’s writing services in favor of crafting their own apology letter, almost always resulting in a terrible public backlash. “Let’s just say, this one actor who turned me down isn’t exactly an American Beauty to most people anymore. I’d say he’s in the Seventh layer of hell, public relations-wise, and is from here on out, a Usual Suspect. Oh wait, he’s not a client...I’m referring to Kevin Spacey.”

While it’s true that actress Carrie Fisher spent much of her career ghost writing movies like Hook and The Wedding Singer, Barry Bonsai’s work may never be viewed with the same esteem. “I’m the Invisible Man. I’m the hero that Hollywood deserves, baby. The darker this town gets, the more it lines my pockets. For Christ’s sake, Logan Paul’s got me on retainer now.”

Bonsai apologized, excusing himself from the interview, saying that he had an emergency appointment with a young Disney star who had dressed up as Adolf Hitler covered in green slime for a costume party the night before. “It’s one of the Jonas Brothers but I won’t say which one. Okay, it’s not Kevin and it’s not Nick, but that’s all I’m sayin’.”

Mr. Bonsai is currently entangled in dozens of legal battles over broken non-disclosure agreements, but has yet to pay any damages due to his remarkable apology letters.