Introducing the Latest Craze in Office Life: ‘The Body Desk’
Have you ever been away from your work desk and felt that icky ‘not at work’ feeling? Gross, right? Well, worry no more! A new company called Forever Work has developed a state-of-the-art workstation called ‘The Body Desk’ that ensures you’ll never have to suffer the oppression of ‘free time’ ever again.
Made from the near-unbreakable desert ironwood, The Body Desk fits snugly around your waist with two leather straps that make this 120-pound behemoth feel like a basket of feathers. Worried that gravity will cause your laptop or pencil cup to slide off the side? Everything is conveniently bolted down. Forever Work does, however, have a rule against framed photos of friends or family being on the desk as these tend to remind you of home or leisure — Not very productive! “
In fact, The Body Desk has been proven to eliminate those nasty non-productive moments from your life, 100% guaranteed! Driving to work like a good little drone? Now, with The Body Desk, you’re already at the office. Just let your feet work the pedals while your hands start typing up those progress reports. And what about going to the bathroom? Well there’s no shame in Skyping into a business meeting with the top brass when they can’t see what’s going on below the waistline. Hell, give a presentation with your pants down! The Body Desk makes it possible.
Seriously, your boss will be so impressed at your dedication once they see you squeeze through the front door wearing this thing. Don’t believe us? Just listen to the glowing testimonials of the assistants in our office:
“At first it took a while to get used to,” writes Sandra, “But once you recalibrate your movement for the extra two feet on either side of you, you’ll break way less windows and never miss a single phone call. Who still needs a voicemail message with The Body Desk?”
“After about a month, I realized that my weekend was really eating away at the checklist of things my company wanted done,” says Jared, “So now when I’m at the beach with my friends on a ‘Saturday’, I’m highlighting start packets on my Body Desk while my friends waste time talking to each other and drinking non-work-friendly alcoholic beverages.”
What a couple of go-getters! For a breezy $1,999.99, The Body Desk is an absolute steal. Of course, this is a product review so we have to cover the negatives as well. Amazingly, we were only able to find two downsides:
1) Jared accidentally knocked our copywriter Vanessa down a flight of stairs while wearing his Body Desk and she’s been in the hospital for three months with a severe concussion.
2) We can’t buy these things even faster!
Move over, Standing Desk, because there’s a new sheriff in this innovative and completely necessary office furniture town. The Body Desk is going to skyrocket your career and destroy all that pesky ‘free time’ you don’t even know what to do with anyway.
Now, head on over to The Body Desk website and use the offer code ‘SalmonPages’ so that we can get a 15% kickback of the profits. I’m actually writing this on my Body Desk right now WHILE I’m jogging!