OSCARS 2018: Our Red Carpet Coverage From Across The Street

It’s that glorious time of year again, readers: Oscar Season. While The Salmon Pages was turned down several times by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences when we requested access to interview the nominees as they walked the red carpet, we did have the unique honor of speaking with the colorful crowd of individuals screaming at them on the other side of Hollywood Boulevard across the police barrier. We at The Salmon Pages happen to believe that you can gain just as many valuable insights into the entertainment industry — if not even more — across the street from the red carpet and we’re not just saying that because we were denied entry.

We first met with a very nice gentleman named Duncan who held aloft a sign reading “CONFESS YOUR SINS OR BURN FOREVER”. When we asked who he was wearing, Duncan said, “The Armor of God. And my shoes are Sketchers.” He handed us a stack of pamphlets which contained some fairly threatening, but well-drawn imagery. Somebody get this guy into the art department!

Further down the police barrier we ran into a Tiffany Haddish look-a-like named Sarah, founder of the Tiffany Haddish Fan Club who was there to promote her Tiffany Haddish gear which includes shirts, hats, and coffee mugs all brandishing Haddish’s face. “We at the fan club just think Tiffany Haddish is so great and it won’t be long before I fully become her and live in her home. Also, please refer to me as Tiffany Haddish.” She then showed us a doctored driver license with a photo of Tiffany Haddish she uses to get into high-priced Hollywood clubs and sold us three coffee mugs.

Next we met with prolific actor-filmmaker Victor Slime who was there to promote his latest film, ‘Cheerleaders Catch Gym Coach In Locker Room and Teach Him a Naughty Lesson”, the sixth film in the acclaimed Cheerleaders franchise. “Yeah, I’m selling some DVDs of that for $12 and taking photos of celebs so I can After Effects their heads into some of my movies.” Had we been given the chance to talk to Jordan Peele about ‘Get Out’ on the red carpet, we’d just be the millionth publication to interview him. But the chance to talk to Victor Slime is a true peak into Los Angeles’ indie filmmaking community.

That being said, we did run into one big A-lister: Tom Holland! Wearing his signature Spider-Man outfit and sporting a very thick Southern accent which we were not aware of before our thrilling encounter, Holland called his breakout role, “Somethin’ anyone could do. My buddy Leroy gave me a pretty good discount on the suit but it really does squeeze the bajeezus outta my crotch area, I’ll tell ya what.” This is the kind of humility you’d never find on the red carpet and we wish Mr. Holland a very long and fruitful career and best of luck getting his pick-up truck to start working again.

Finally, we were given an incredible opportunity that none of the reporters with access to the red carpet got: a 100% free personality test. This reporter was led into a small room by a nice well-dressed man and asked dozens of interesting questions before being told that, “You’re incredibly eager to please and quite open to the influence of others.” Well, we can’t report if that’s true or not but apparently this man’s organization produces their own films and they were even nice enough to let us pay them to get a behind-the-scenes look at their studio next week.

Well, that’s a wrap for The Salmon Pages’ coverage of the sidewalk area across the street from the 2018 Academy Awards! We think it’s fair to say we’ve proved once and for all that there’s a lot more opportunity for reporters OFF the red carpet than on it.