The History of Online Streaming According To My Grandma

The world sure do change quick now, don’t it? When I was a little girl on the family farm in Plano, Texas, there wasn’t a movie house for over a hundred miles in any direction. Now one of my grandkids can push a few buttons on the remote and part of the wall will show me the story of a talking bear from England — didn’t even put in a CD! So, I figured it would be helpful for others long in the tooth such as me to know the history of how all this dark magic wizardry they call “Streaming” got started — what I can recall, anyhow.


There seemed to be a kinda shift from the days of DVD-Roms to a time when computers became like a campfire for the kids to gather around. Except instead of having to gather firewood and avoid getting kicked by Bufford the Mule, these modern youngsters would just be giggling about something called a “Rofflecopter” on their Youtube. That’s when I knew that the world was headed for disaster.


Then the mail man started delivering red colored envelopes which Zach would always be hootin’ and hollerin’ about because it was some sort of Napoleon dynamite which to me sounded very dangerous. If you ever received a red colored envelope when I was younger, it meant someone had used a more expensive dye and that it was probably a letter from the military telling us that someone had died. But based on Zach’s reaction, it didn’t seem like that was the case any longer. He said the dynamite was a Netflix. I believe that may be the name of a demon from the book of Romans.


When the grandkids would come over at the retirement center, they would plug their mini computers into the TV set and that same red Netflix color would fill up the whole screen. It reminded me of when one of the cows I raised got tangled in the barbed wire next to the river and all of its blood spilled into the water. The kids said we could watch dang near any movie or TV show we could think of so I picked Matlock and we watched that until they all fell asleep. Apparently, I watched eight episodes in one sitting — even though my mind was on the image of that poor ol’ cow the whole time — because when Johnny woke up he said, “Granny, you just binge-watched that” which to me sounds like a crime the local pervert would be charged with.


Once I got over to Laurel’s they set me up with a black picture frame hung sideways that had the Netflix but could also do another green Netflix called Hulu. I don’t personally see the sense in making a green Netflix if the red Netflix was a perfectly good Netflix. “30 rocks moved to Hulu,” my granddaughter Caroline told me. That’s about the same number of rocks that got thrown at my little cousin Marvin when he got caught stealing horses. He never talked the same after that.


Jennifer was fussin somethin wild about how Disney and an apple were fixing to start their own Netflix and that’s when I knew that this apple was just like the one that the Devil gave to Eve to usher in original sin in the Garden of Eden. Now Satan’s gonna make the whole wide world eat a Netflix apple. I’ve already seen at least one Horseman of the Apocalypse on the red Netflix, so once we get the other three, that’s all she wrote.

Okay, I’ve got to take my pills and sleep now since it’s nearly 5 PM. Y’all should be just about caught up on this whole online video streaming thingamabob now so I hope that straightened everything out and I also hope that all my grandchildren get raptured before we get any more Netflixes.