We’re Living In An Indie Film Renaissance! (For People Who Are Already Famous Actors)

With movies like Lady Bird, Eighth Grade, mid90s, and Honey Boy, who could deny that we’re living in an indie filmmaking renaissance for people who are already incredibly famous for acting? It’s never been a better time for rich actors to dip their financially-cushioned toes into the waters of writing and directing and, assuming that this is being read exclusively by famous actors, there’s nothing stopping you from joining the renaissance too!

For decades, it seemed like you had to wait until you were far into your gigantic acting career to get behind the camera. Robert Redford, Clint Eastwood, Jodie Foster — each of them were super millionaires before attempting this completely different job. In 2018, you can make this same leap as a regular millionaire.

Like me, I’m sure that when a name you don’t recognize appears under “Directed By” or “Written By” you vomit all over the floor. Your assistant has to leave the theater to get an employee to go find a mop. You have to move a few seats over and hope it doesn’t happen again during the next trailer. It’s awful. Why should I care about someone’s “directorial debut” if I’ve never heard of them? Oh, they’ve been writing and directing smaller projects for years, steadily honing their craft, and worked their ass off to slowly assemble a threadbare budget big enough to create an independent feature for $200,000? Please. That’s NOT acting nor is it famous acting.

So go for it! If those nameless nobodies (who probably don’t even have headshots) have to have their careers logjammed because A24 would rather produce Timothee Chalamet’s $5 million story about when he graduated from Velcro shoes to laces, then so be it. We as famous actors have very symmetrical faces which audiences find quite pleasing to the eye and people are going to want to see these same faces during press junkets.

In fact, why are we stopping with above-the-line jobs? I foresee a future in which the entirety of credits are filled to the brim with famous actors doing other jobs. Imagine George Clooney as a Rigging Grip or Viola Davis working Craft Service? Wouldn’t Hugo Weaving make a great On Set Medic? We got into acting because attention feels really good and you can be damn sure that we’re going to get as much as we can.

This is OUR time, fellow famous actors! As was the past and as will be the future too, but that doesn’t mean we can’t treat ourselves like the underdog. This industry is all about who you know but also who you are and are you famous? You should definitely make sure to be famous first.

Be brave! As long as your Law & Order residuals are still coming in. Don’t wait for the industry to give you permission! It’s already done that many times over. Be named Brad Pitt! Everyone already likes you for your pretending.

There’s only room for a handful of successful indie films each year. Join us famous actors, risk oh so little, spend millions to discover if you even like this, and grab one of those precious writer-director spots! You can do it! You and other actors of equal fame.