Why Net Neutrality Is Terrible and Please Help Me Someone Has a Gun to My Head

Net Neutrality is a communist plague on our society…says my kidnapper.

I’m entertainment industry analyst Sydney Francis. You might’ve read a lot of hubbub in the news lately about net neutrality protections being voted out by the FCC board. I’m writing this letter to you today to convince you that this hysteria is unfounded and that currently there’s a 9-millimeter pistol pressed up against my temple by a lunatic.

You see, the web is comprised of about a zillion pages of content, some of which is behind a paywall, like certain New York Times articles, for example. Also, please call the police immediately.

You have to understand the situation from a business point of view: Competing internet service providers will be able to specifically engineer a superior browsing experience now that there’s no rule to prohibit them slowing down sites they deem unimportant and speeding up the ones that are considered more valuable. Competition is always good! But what isn’t good is that there are multiple hostages at 432 Mapleberry Lane, Unit 4, and if someone helps us now, there may still be time to save my life and the lives of my tied-up family, all of whom are currently being fed huge amounts of fudge by this strange man as punishment for trying to escape. Much like the liberal propaganda machine is feeding huge amounts of lies about what will happen to their sacred free internet.

You see, an economically-driven world wide web will be like a commercial airliner: Your wealthiest users get a First Class experience — YouTube, Facebook, and Amazon at hyper-speed! Your middle-class users will get a Coach experience — Ebaumsworld, Friendster, and LimeWire that work kind of okay when it isn’t too cloudy outside. Okay, I literally just tried to make a run for it and am chewing through an enormous fudge Easter bunny rabbit he slammed into my mouth… I honestly can’t tell if he works for the FCC or Hershey. Oh shit, he’s over my shoulder again much like the hoard of naïve complainers who want an Internet where people from all walks of life can just TAKE, TAKE, TAKE!

Anyway so lastly, there’s your poorest users who didn’t work hard enough to deserve anything good will get a Stowaway experience: AOL 3.0 with news updates exclusively from 1997 and littered with partially buffered pornographic pop ups and Holy God, my daughter Stefanie just rammed the fireplace poker through our kidnapper’s eye and into his head! I don’t think he’s getting up. This might really be over.


Okay, he got up and typed some stuff real quick before falling down again. Pretty sure he’s dead. Damn, go Stefanie!! My girl deserves some ice cream! Oh, wait, maybe that’s not such a a good idea for the next week or so .

Anyway, I’m gonna post this whole thing as is even though the situation is resolved and it may be police evidence, but seriously, I didn’t mean any of this I’M ALIVE AGAIN AND HE MEANT ALL OF IT ASLDKASMLDKArrhhhhhrrz….