Who has the worst facial hair in the NBA and does it make them better?

5 min readFeb 21, 2020

I guarantee at whatever gym you go to there is some twenty-something year old with not great facial hair hooping. Is he any good? No, probably not, but maybe he is and just maybe whether he would tear you apart 1 on 1 depends on just how bad his facial hair is. Back when I hooped in high school my facial hair would have landed me easily in the top 5 of my list. Not happy about the usage rate of my razor back in the day. I was that guy with the postseason “beard” two months before the postseason started. Today, I would say I don’t have a great beard by any means, it’s a mix of Kemba Walker and Domantas Sabonis. Many NBA players today are just starting to form some sort of facial hair and having hair on your face is fashionable these days. Most of these guys have the out of place lonely soul patch or a goatee if they scribbled their mustache on with a sharpie on the way to practice. None of these are great looks. I’ve been there! So, let’s get into this if you have any problem with me trashing one of your favorite players’ facial hair please take it up with Marcus Smart. He is the reason for my dig through 200+ NBA players’ facial hair quality. I narrowed my search to players averaging at least 20 MPG and notable players who are out this season like 4 out of the 5 Warriors starting 5 last season. I took into account all past facial hair blunders the web allowed me to find. For ranking who has the worst and who has the best (no one cares about the best go call GQ), I took a deep examination based on four criteria. First, is the level of gross facial hair followed by how patchy their facial hair is. I know patchiness is just a genetic thing, but they are professional athletes who could spend money on tons of beard hormones from Europe. Third, is what I call “What’s happening?” and the fourth is “Just Shave.” I obviously don’t need to explain those. I gave all four criteria weights based on if they had over a two in the category it would add a multiplier. I did this to make it where if someone had a high score in all four categories blah blah blah blah blah here is my top ten and some notables. Remember it’s my ranking, not yours, but you’ll disagree with something anyways and be upset. Enjoy.

#1 Marcus “Gunman at Saloon” Smart 30.94

Marcus has one of the worst, if not the worst facial hair games in all of sports. I gave him a 4.9 for “Just shave.”, which is 0.1 below the highest level because I have some decency. Throw a cowboy hat and a duster on Marcus and he looks like the “gunman at saloon” in a spaghetti western. He definitely plays the part too. Slightly over the top, questionable logic, but tons of heart and hustle. Smart truly embodies the spaghetti western character who won’t shy away from taking on the superior character.

#2 Brandon Ingram 26.4

I am sorry beforehand for this one, but Brandon’s facial hair looks like he smoked five joints and forgot to shave…for a month. It’s patchy and gross. It grew in more awkward stages than most as he came up through the league. It’s not very well kept, but he is a straight hooper and hoopers don’t have time to shave.

#3 Steph Curry 22

Steph’s facial hair has evolved a lot over the years during the Warriors reign. In 2015 he looked like he had just got drafted and even in the 2016 Finals he still looked like he had just torched Gonzaga. After the collapse in 2016, he seemed to have aged faster than the President starting his second term. The beard that he has today, while it probably is too long and a bit patchy does make him look like he actually should have 3 children. In the summer of 2018, he even ventured back to the younger goatee-ish look he had once sported and was even asked about it in an interview. Yes, fuck off I am well researched in the Curry area. That being said his facial hair received high scores in the categories gross and “What’s happening?”. Out of 10, I’d give his beard game a 3.

#4 James Harden 21.5

For a little perspective, “the beard” has been around for Obama and Trump and will likely be around after. His beard even once sold me a beer at a microbrewery just outside Austin, Texas. Something on one’s face for that long is the stuff of Egyptian Pharaohs. His beard is the type of beard to make most wild animals jealous and there are endless possibilities as to what may be hiding inside it.

#5 Nikola Jokic 19.8

Honestly, the 7-foot Serbian shouldn’t be on here, but I will not let him slide for the times he forgets to shave and starts to look like he is being cast in John Wick 4. It’s a tough look, at times worse than Harden, but it goes unnoticed by the casual viewer. It would take him no time to shave his spotty stubble and that my friend is why he is so high on this list. Last year he posted stats joining Wilt Chamberlain as the only 7 footers to average 7+ assists for a single season. Jokic has a good chance to find himself in Springfield one day. Let’s just hope he doesn’t forget to shave before his acceptance speech.

#6 Robert Covington 19.2

#7 Kevin Durant 19