How You Can Help Trump On Election Day
Hello, Trump Supporters.
The election is this Tuesday. And depending on which news you’ve been watching, your main man, your hero, Donald J. Trump, might be in trouble. And this essay is for you, to let you know how you can help The Donald on Election Day.
Whether you’re a poor white man, or a rich white man; whether you love the growing Alt-Right movement or you just love reality television; whether you feigned an overdramatic disgust at being called “deplorable,” or you identify with the word like it is part of your God-given DNA, you all have one thing in common: you love Donald Trump. You want him to be well. You want him to succeed, and you want him to do what he does best. So how can you help make sure that happens?
Well, you can’t vote for him.
Hear me out. I’m completely serious.
If you care about Donald Trump, you cannot vote for him. If you respect him and you want to continue respecting him for years to come, he cannot become your President.
I understand your desire to vote for him. He says things that other Republicans are too scared or too professional to say, and you like that. He talks like he might take care of you, the way he’s taken care of himself, and you like that too. I’m white, and straight, and a man, so if you’re a Trump supporter who is still reading, we probably aren’t so different, genetically speaking. I, too, have complained or have been tempted to complain about my lot in life, or the way I am perceived, or something else equally uninformed. And this is because I am selfish, just like you. Like pretty much all people, really. I hate to admit it — probably most of us do — but I’m selfish. So you can admit it too: that you are selfish. Even if you just admit it secretly, to yourself — it’s OK to do that! And the correct choice for your selfishness is to not elect Donald Trump as President. Why? Two main reasons.
- You care about yourself.
Consider who you are: you are not only a Republican, but a Donald Trump-supporting Republican. That means, that much like an old person who owns a smart phone, or a Millennial comedy fan addicted to social media, you are only truly happy when you are upset about something. If Donald wins, you will not be able to be mad, and this will crush you. Because instead of that familiar misunderstood feeling, that angry feeling that is so satisfying, you will only feel disappointment. Because he will disappoint you. Think about it: You like Donald because he’s not a politician, right? You like him because he’s good at marketing, but bad at politics, right? This means, in all trueness, that he will disappoint you as President. When he is expected to perform as a politician and publicly fails, you will feel cheated, embarrassed, and let down — meanwhile if Hillary Clinton wins, you get to be happy (ie mad, angry, furious). You get to say “not my President,” which you love to do; you get to say “I told you so” when she messes up, which will give you incredible joy; and you get to consider yourself an underdog, maybe for the first time in your life. Also, the man you love, your Orange Crush, Donald Trump, will get to continue to pursue his passions and interests (which, let’s be honest, do not actually include running the country — he’d take a massive pay decrease and have to pay taxes again).
This brings me to reason #2 as to why it benefits your selfishness to not elect Donald Trump as President. - You care about Donald Trump.
Donald has had a good go at running for President — in the 500-plus days since he announced his campaign, he’s gotten a ton of media attention, I’m sure his Twitter following has exploded, and he’s gotten to humiliate people (one of his favorite pastimes) like Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush. But running for President and being President do not earn the same perks. Being President is a very difficult and incredibly public job, full of non-stop criticism, and having your ego checked by the balances of power. This will ruin Donald’s self esteem. And you love Donald— you don’t want to see his feelings get hurt, do you? He suggested SNL get cancelled because he didn’t like an impersonation of himself — and even if you agree with that sentiment, there’s no doubt you’d be embarrassed for your champion if he Tweeted at 3:30AM that we should cancel the Legislative Branch because they didn’t agree with one of his ideas (Sad!). He’s going to be consistently called a racist, and a sexist, and a homophobe, and a xenophobe, and a coward, and a know-nothing, and a con, and a cheapskate, and he will hate this. Words like those hurt his feelings a lot, you can tell. Keeping him out of the spotlight which accompanies being President is the only real way to protect his ego. Imagine if Donald goes down as one of the worst Presidents in history. This will break your heart, because you love him, right? The best thing you can do is protect Donald from the opportunity to fail at the most important job in the World.
Also, think about all the great things Donald can do if he isn’t President. Think of all the fun things he’ll get to do. First of all, Trump TV will be able to happen, and you’ll love that — you’ll get to see a full news channel he’s allegedly been slyly developing, by and for his supporters! As not-President, he’ll have all this extra time to develop his properties, too — he’ll be able to create and promote all the golf courses, casinos, and hotels that his primary support group still wont be able to afford. This will make him very rich and very happy, which ought to make you happy too. He’ll probably release a new book, ghostwritten for him, and with all that non-Presidential downtime he might even learn to read. There’s a good chance he could make a guest appearance in Jackass 4 or do a live comedy tour with Vince Vaughn and Larry the Cable Guy. Heck, you know there’s gonna be a new season of The Apprentice, and you probably love that show. But this can only happen if he isn’t elected President.
(Sure, there are also arguments that a Trump Presidency might taint the GOP, Christianity’s involvement in politics, and respect for “outsider” candidates for decades to come. And while Christian conservatism might be something you’d like to be appealing to your children and future generations, what’s really important is what is good for Donald, remember?)
So think about Donald’s business opportunities. Think about his reputation. Think about his ego. Think about the television content. If you care about Donald, you wont vote for him. And you have options: you can not vote, and just say you did. That’s totally legal. To help out even more you can vote for Hillary, and just tell people you voted for Donald. That’s fine too. But you can’t vote for Donald Trump. You just can’t. A vote for his Presidency is a vote for ruining his life. You know this, and he knows this.
This Tuesday Donald Trump is counting on you.
