Start near to go far?

This concept has intrigued me for a while, because one, I hear it repeated so often, but also I see the validity of it in certain activities.

Whether it be through developing a skill, like shooting a basketball, or with self love. You can’t love anyone until you love yourself. Or so they say.

Anyway.

The reason I want to write about this is because I am thinking about why we do certain things. Why I go to the grocery store, to the coffee shop, to the gym, etc. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was just stay in bed and watch tv. That was lovely. Then somewhere around college, I had to start going to places.

Was it because home wasn’t comfortable anymore? Was it because I had to start doing things to feel self worth?

I played a lot of video games. I was immersed in that culture. For good reason, video games were enjoyable as fuck. But is all of this just an escape?

Going to the coffee shop, television, reading, etc. It’s all an escape right? No matter how noble the cause. Is it because we are afraid to be alone? Probably.

But how do you balance being comfortable with being nothing, while actually surviving. Being dependent on someone gives a false sense of security because even if you produce nothing, you are still alive. If I was alone, and I didn’t do any work, eventually I’d starve. I would like to mimic that, but the best thing for me is to probably just leave home and start working on my own self dependence. And that is relatively easy. But why can’t I be self dependent now? Even being in a position that encourages dependence such as home. Because the only constant through all of this, that I can percieve, is me. This biological human.

Which brings me to another point. Why was I so content as a child? Or was I not? We all have fantasies of childhood where we explored the backwoods behind our house, or were fascinated by a flower. But I don’t think I wanted to go to school, to go to CVS, to go to a family dinner. I just wanted to be at home, relaxing, and comfortable.

I want that now. I want something different than what is. I need to dig deep into this uncontentness. Not to change it, but to truly see what is the root of it. If I see what is at the root of it, perhaps it’ll dissolve. But see, even that is a glimmer of hope, which is looking with a direction.