No Going Back

Ryan, Cardiff

Estrangement is a common theme in our family. Growing up we were estranged from an uncle, an aunty and later my grandmother.

As anyone who is estranged will know, there are lots of events that lead to up to it, and my story is no different. There are actions, that if undertaken by a stranger, would make the papers and the courts, but because they happened in a family, they go untold and unnoticed.

My Dad initiated my first estrangement at 21. He cut me out and he wanted nothing to do with me. I had visited my grandmother (who he was estranged from) and when he attacked me, and I wouldn’t fight back, we were, in his words, ‘done’.

I hated this period, it killed me. I was young and alone, I desperately wanted to have a relationship with my family and it was refused. Although I wasn’t estranged from my sister, we didn’t speak or have any contact. My mother and I spoke but it required my father to be out of the house, and she blamed me for the situation.

Eventually I wrote to my father pleading for an end to the situation. He called me and the estrangement ended. He never apologised for his behaviour, but agreed it was best for my mother if we all got along.

In the subsequent twenty years he continued to threaten me with violence, or remind me of his capability to commit violent acts. We rarely did enough together to have any disagreements, but when we did, he would pick his moment -we were always alone (no witnesses).

Last year, my father confronted me on the last day of a holiday at their home, he waited for us to be alone and until I was stood in the corner of the kitchen, the place where he used to pin me and hit me as a child. He closed the space off; there was no violence, but threats of violence hung in the air.

I’ve years of experience dodging the bullets, and strangely I was always proud that I could manage my fathers’ violence. (I realise now, this is the last skill I want any of my children to be proud of). It was clear; one wrong step would result in something terrible. Shaking, I listened to his vitriol in the same spot, with the same words as twenty years before, once again ‘we’re done’.

I left my parents’ home that day knowing two things. Firstly, I would never be able to safely return while they lived, and that I should never have taken my children there.

The first few months were filled with anger and shame. I was ashamed of my failed relationships, I was angry I had put myself and my family in danger. I’m still angry with myself for not accepting 20 years ago, that this behaviour was never going to change and was not a foundation for any relationship.

After the first few months, I entered into some CBT and this helped me enormously. I stop my obsessing about this all being about me, and all being a mistake I could have avoided.

I’m okay, my wife and children were unharmed, and in a broad sense I’ve learned my lessons.

As I unpicked the relationship I had with my mother, father and sister, I believe that what I missed wasn’t something I ever had with them (or them with me). I wanted love from them, real love, worth, care, friendship but they hadn’t been present. What I was missing, had always been missing.

This simple truth helped me to accept this wasn’t my fault, once again my father had initiated an estrangement, but this time I was happy, and understood it was for the best and was okay.

What has helped me most, that I didn’t have last time, is the self-belief that comes from having real love all around me; my children, find it hard to understand but support me, my wife has been a rock of unfaltering support, and reminds me constantly, that despite my fear, this won’t happen to us and our children.

I’ve some luck on my journey, I learnt love from my grandmother and grandfather, (two amazing people who I turned to on my good days and my bad days) and from friends who have supported me and shown me love over many years.

This will never be easy: Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries all provide difficult days. My children, I’m sure, will one day seek out their cousins, possibly their grandparents and auntie and that will be a challenge.

But I’m happy with my choices, the love that is around me, the future I have and give to my family, they above all else will be safe in my arms always.

This is the fourth in a series of bi-weekly blogs from Stand Alone beneficiaries. Do you want to write about your family estrangement and its impact around Christmas time? E-mail: e.nelson@standalone.org.uk.

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