My Journey with Mental Illness

Howdy, folks! So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything longform, so you’ll have to bear with me if I’m a bit rusty. I spend a lot of my time on Twitter talking about mental health issues, and multiple people suggested I write a longform post about the topic. Firstly, let me say that some of this may be trigger-y and may contain discussion of suicide, self-harm, and other sensitive topics. Secondly, this will probably be a bit rambly and meander a bunch due to my lack of practice when it comes to writing. Thirdly, this is all my opinion as someone who suffers from mental illnesses; I’m not a trained expert, so what I say really only applies to me and my experiences. That being said, let’s begin, shall we?

One of the reasons I care so much about this topic is that I myself suffer from a variety of mental illnesses and mental health issues. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, and social anxiety disorder. When I see or hear ignorant things about those of us who suffer from mental health issues, it personally offends and affects me. People spreading misinformation or harmful narratives about the mentally ill can do real damage to those who suffer from mental illnesses. Worse, there are those that openly mock and ridicule the mentally ill.

I personally have been the victim of people harassing or bullying me due to my mental illnesses, both online and offline. I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder during my undergraduate studies in college after a particularly nasty reaction to an antidepressant sent me to the hospital. I decided that I wasn’t feeling safe and was worried about harming myself, so I decided to check myself into the local hospital to get treatment. I called the school’s residential life office to inform them of my decision (so no one would think I had vanished or been kidnapped) and that I had a friend who was going to drive me to the hospital in a few minutes.

The school, however, decided to have the police show up to escort me to the hospital instead, for… reasons. This resulted in me being frisked in front of the entire dorm, thrown into the back of a squad car, and brought into the emergency room lobby, where the cops loudly declared that I didn’t have any weapons or any drugs on me at the time. Needless to say, any chance I had of keeping my mental health issues private at that point were non-existent. After that, I became the target of people who claimed I was dangerous or couldn’t be trusted due to the fact I had a mental illness.

Pretty much my reaction to the previous events. (KC Green of Gunshow comics)

One student in a position of leadership within my academic department and several clubs I was a member of even explicitly said I shouldn’t be allowed in the school and could never be trusted due to my medical conditions. These “concerns” were even echoed by the school itself, because obviously attempting to check yourself in to a hospital to receive medical treatment means you aren’t responsible and can’t be trusted to monitor and appropriately address your own conditions. Other students would mock me for being “crazy” or call me “insane” or other hurtful names in order to tear me down.

I have no idea what it is like for women who suffer from mental illnesses, but I can definitely say that many of the insults I received were designed to denigrate my “value” as a man. One (male) professor once told me that I needed to stop talking to people about what I was going through, as it would just bring them down and I needed to be “a man” and just power through it. Other men repeatedly called me a girl (or less polite terms usually used to attack women) or questioned my heterosexuality; which just goes to show that far, far too many men think that being a girl or being gay is a bad thing. That’s probably a topic for another article by someone far more qualified to write about it than me, but I think it bears pointing out that many of the insults I received were of that nature.

My experiences with my school cemented the idea that disclosing my conditions — as well as seeking help for them — was dangerous. I thought that having a mental illness was something to be ashamed of, something that I should hide from those around me. I thought that having a mental illness somehow made me less of a man and worth less than everyone around me. It also discouraged me from seeking treatment later in life, causing a nine year gap in treatment that eventually resulted in a mental breakdown that rendered me suicidal and caused me to self-harm repeatedly. All of this could have perhaps been avoided if not for the treatment I received at school, both from the faculty and my fellow students.

Men’s mental health issues deserve far more attention than they are getting at the moment. We are expected to be stoic, unemotional pillars of stability. Men who admit they need help for their mental health are attacked and ridiculed — at least in my experience. I’ve spoken a lot about my mental health issues online; from the periodic self-harm to the periods where I didn’t have the energy to do anything other than lie down on my bathroom floor crying for hours. While I’ve received lots of support online, I’ve also routinely been attacked throughout the years for admitting I have mental health problems. My bipolar disorder is a favorite target of people on the internet, as they like to claim that it makes me ‘irrational’, thus allowing them to dismiss everything I say out of hand.

If you have a mental illness, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know from experience how difficult is to get help, but I highly encourage everyone who can get help to do so. Things are better for me now. I’m receiving proper care for my conditions for the first time in almost a decade. I have a good support system, both online and in my day-to-day life. None of this would be possible without the medical and therapeutic care I am receiving now. I also understand the feeling of crushing, overwhelming loneliness that can come with mental health issues; feeling isolated, alone, and like no one can understand you or cares about your experiences. One of the primary things I’ve learned from being so vocal about my issues is how wrong that feeling is. So many people have reached out to me to tell me that they understand what I’m going through and that they feel the same way.

I know it’s not much, but it’s definitely helped me, and I hope knowing you aren’t alone helps you, too.

If you’re looking for some resources regarding mental health, I recommend going to http://www.mentalhealth.gov/ . They have resources for a variety of conditions, including (but not limited to) eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and PTSD. They also have information on how to find mental health groups or treatment in your local area.