That Night, Alone, by the Dying Fire, Thinking About Myself too Much.

When was the last time you felt that feeling you couldn’t describe? Do you know which feeling I am talking about? You know, that one that makes your heart beat kind of faster. The one that sails your minds to undiscovered seas in the abyss of all that… all that… That twinge in your mind that cracks open all the possibility life, existence, consciousness, truly has to offer. The endlessly infinite, yet possible, like I said, possibility in the manner of existing in such a boundless universe, as we do.

You see, I crave for that feeling I speak about, the one that I asked about earlier, and aided you on the path to recognition. I would, when attempting to speak as honestly as possible to someone, you being the perfect example in this scenario, describe myself as an artist. Yet I don’t see that word as one tied to any particular or categorical meaning. I see being an artist as a person whom devotes their life and livelihood to expressing themselves. Attempt to make the impossible a reality by exposing their true thoughts, emotions, and opinions through whatever mediums they choose. Actually being able to recognize that feeling, you know, the one, and then truly attempt to pour that out into the world somehow. I have the unquestionable urge to give utter respect to people who can do that. Hell, that’s all I want to fucking do…

You’ll have to forgive my babble trying to do the exact thing I am attempting to explain.

I think it is simple to see that I am not the only person that feels this way. This urgency to truly, at the least try to, express themselves for who they are and what they are. Realistically, in this modern day and age, trying to do so has its upsides and downsides. But I think taking advantage of the social media available at the touch of my fingers, and movements of my hands, to purely express myself, as an artist is the best way to go about it. I am only nineteen years old, so I am not worrying myself at all with my numbers. I am simply putting myself out there, for everyone to see. If you wish to see it.

That one picture of a quote from a book Olga Kay tweeted by some guy I don’t know whose name is was right. If you do not have an online presence as an artist in this technical age, you cannot exist. That quote has plastered itself in the back of my mind, which I remember from time to time. And I always feel there is a large portion of truth behind that. In the past year of my life I have been brewing the courage to really try to make myself present fully as an artist, online. Since I quit my job at McDonald’s of almost two years to take some time off and attempt to find my groove here on the Internet, I have gone through a, at the least, small mental revolution. I feel I can really do this, and this is the perfect time of my life to start. Truly start working on my art and showing it to those who wish to watch.

I was thinking asking you to forgive me again for my personal bullshit, but the purpose of me writing this is to crack that shell of solitude. The shell crafted by the societal and personal circumstances that make it a challenge to expose myself to a blank canvas. That is all I want. Being able to pour myself out like a bucket onto whatever platform I choose; this is my definition of personal success. Speaking from another honest place; actual recognition or financial benefits would only be bonuses. Of course I would enjoy them, but that is not what I need to feel personally fulfilled. I need to take ahold of those feelings that make me feel like every quark and atom in this goddamn universe fucking matter. Like every single one of us matter. Like every single thing we do matters. And realize that, as far as we can know right now, we only do this once. There are no other chances.

I choose to do what I’ve attempted to explain through all of this, as early as possible. And what I mean by “as early as possible” is right now.

Oh hey, right here we are.

If you do not agree whatsoever with anything I have said thus far, I one infinity percent understand, but this is what I fucking want to do, so I am going to do what I want to fucking do. Do not expect me to take your remarks seriously when you tell me you have problems with what I do. I love you, I seriously do, but I also really don’t care. Now it is also a good idea to point out that when I say “problems”, I do not mean criticism, or constructive criticism. I am open to any kind and all sort of feedback to what I do and create. What I mean is if you don’t think I should be doing what I do, you receive no mental or personal impact on my end whatsoever.

This was a spur of the moment, middle of the night event, so make of this what you will. I’ll always care for every single one of you out there in my own way. Always want better fortune coming your way, but not perfect fortune, but just enough so that you can cherish the good times when they are as such. Always hopeful that your future is as bright as that feeling you get, deep down in that soul of yours, and you can accomplish what you purely wish to accomplish. For yourself. For your existence in this universe, that we literally cannot understand fully. Always lend a helping hand wherever and whenever I can.

This life I have right now is a precious one to me. I hope you can realize, at least the possibility of, how remarkable and important you and your mark are to this world, and this universe.

Long story short, I am just glad I know what I want.

I just want to express myself.

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I will be creating a spoken, video version of this on my portfolio channel, on YouTube. Here ← is a link to the portfolio channel I’m speaking about. It’s a channel I’ve been thinking about and working on for a long time, and this will be its first video.

I am currently daily video blogging (proud to say I’m at 53 days already) on my main channel on YouTube, which can be found→ Here.

I just wanted to give you this information in case you’d like to find me on my most predominant places.

I’d love to hear any and all feedback on this… written inner monologue.

Thank you! Have a wonderful day.