I Nurture Her, and She Nurtures Me : Mother-Child Synchronism and Breastfeeding

Uptown Milk
Aug 9, 2017 · 4 min read

I’ve already stated in an Instagram story that I had an episode of feeling done with breastfeeding my daughter and simply not wanting to do so anymore. But, I thought my way through it and decided to power-through that moment because: 1. I think that natural weaning is the best thing for my daughter emotionally and 2. I feel that I am privileged to have this kind of breastfeeding experience, so I’m going to…well, milk it.

However, the topic of why I still nurse my 26-month-old traverses my mind every day. The mere fact that breastfeeding my daughter is no longer a rote task, but something that I have struggled with emotionally, and have had to work to maintain comfortable with indicates to me that my decision to allow my daughter to wean herself is a complex issue.

When I think about the way I have shaped my life around mothering my daughter, breastfeeding is not simple a feature of my parenting style, it is the axis around which my entire life has revolved since her birth. I resisted caffeine for 10 months after her birth (big deal, for me). The longest amount of time I’ve been away from her is seven hours, once. For my 30th birthday, I declined a spa day and night alone at a hotel so that she wouldn’t miss a night of nursing. I’ve ruined multiple bras and V-neck shirts by stretching them to accommodate nursing-on-demand. I wear her in her carrier when I’d rather not so that she can nurse. I live in a pigsty the majority of the time and don’t cook for my husband because nursing makes it impossible to consistently clean and cook, even months after my daughter has turned two years old.

In small ways, I’ve tried to “do me” more, while breastfeeding. Crew-necks are back in my wardrobe. Despite not drinking much alcohol prior to motherhood, once I learned that moderate alcohol consumption was safe, I embraced it. I even postpone some nursing sessions, if only to buy a few minutes to hurry through whatever I’m doing to inevitably end up nursing her. While it may not be a big deal to some, I think about how that minutes long delay might affect how much longer my daughter will nurse, and if it will bring her self-weaning sooner than had I not taken the time to quickly finish what I needed to do, just to sit down and give her what she wants.

These things, as subtle as they are to my daughter or anyone else, to me are signs that I am weaning myself from breastfeeding. Still, it’s true that there have been times when I have been tearful over the idea that she might abruptly wean before I am ready. Even now, I don’t read blogs by women about their last time breastfeeding because I don’t want to think about when it’s over for us.

And, the above paragraph encapsulates the status of my breastfeeding experience right now. I’m inching away, but I’m not ready to stop. Just as my daughter does not rely on breastmilk for nutrition, enthusiastically eats regular food (sometimes) and will play for hours without nursing, and she is equally excited about boob.

Something, if not the one thing, that I have loved about breastfeeding my daughter on-demand and allowing her to wean herself is the intimacy between us. Really, intimacy is not even the accurate word. What I have found is that we are synchronized. As I have followed her cues since her birth in regard to all of her needs, I have noticed that when I am down emotionally or physically, my daughter is willing to just lay and nurse until I am more energetic. If you’re aware of the feedback loop between mother and child in regard to breastmilk adjusting to the nutritional and immunological needs of the child, what I’m describing is like that, but in reverse. When I have needed a break, somehow my daughter perceives it and will let me do the best I can, and that’s breastfeed her. In those moments, I need it more than she does, and she allows me to do it. For me, this is a profound reason to keep nursing.

It could be that the composition of my breastmilk changes when I’m emotionally and/or physically drained, which would make sense as it’s all about hormones anyway. It could also be that being fine-tuned to my daughter’s needs, and being accessible to her in an unlimited way has already taught her compassion and given her the ability to nurture in what ways she knows how…which is by letting mommy chill when she really needs to. Although she has her ruffian moments, she is an observant and attentive person, interested in others’ well-being. For a two year old, I call this emotional depth (and I’m not going to Google it to see if it’s normal child development because I want to believe it’s special). She’s learned this from somewhere, and I’d like to think that it came from me via breastfeeding.

In regard to weaning, despite choosing to let my daughter wean herself, I anticipate that weaning, too, will be a synchronized process for us. I also expect that even if I think I am totally ready to stop breastfeeding, when that time comes, I will be an emotional wreck, not only because the hormonal shift will ruin me, but for other fun reasons….which are for another blog. Now, though, neither one of us is ready. And, if the person she is today has been created in part by breastfeeding, then I am glad to continue.

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