Tips for masturbating in VR
There is no doubt in my mind that Virtual Reality, and its related industries, is about to hit a renaissance. Millennial teens coming of age in the new virtual world have a lot to consider, a lot to do, and will likely have to learn a lot of painful lessons about this new medium that we didn’t have to think about growing up in the pre-internet age. For me that was the 80’s.
Back then when a young lad was “Mastering his domain” the only thing he had to do was make sure he knew how to rewind the VCR back to its 00:00 point, so that the Debbie Does Dallas VHS would be back at the exact point where your dad left it. To find your dad’s gold mine of porn, young men had to rummage long enough through closets and sock drawers to accidentally stumble on the old man’s secret stash. He then had to learn how to open the page to his favorite model, pleasure himself (silently), clean up the crime scene, and then put the magazine back where he found it all without wrinkling or creasing the pages.
If that was too much the alternative, at a minimum, was that you had to stay up late enough to sneak to the living room while the family was sleeping, mute the TV, dim the brightness, and try to catch Cinemax’s late night line-up without waking up your folks.
Fast forward to the late 90’s, and the lesson that needed to be learned in that decade was how to create a hidden folder on your desktop buried deep enough and labeled obscurely enough not to be discovered, but not deep enough to be forgotten after a week. The goal was to make it so that you could queue your favorite [insert porn star] scene on the house PC instantly. Don’t lie.. We all played favorites. During the tech boom of the late 00’s, once we realized that streaming was the key to the future, only fools downloaded their porn to a hard drive. Clearing your browser history became the name of the game.
You know what… we’re still probably in that era, but you cannot deny that the world is changing again. With this change, we should also be thinking about how the next generation of adolescence will try to find their rocks, and get them off in an effort to subvert the awkward pains of puberty. VR is positioned to change the world much like the internet did in the 90’s. Make no mistake about it VR porn is here and it is pretty darn good. Eh.. scratch that, its acceptable. Like most things internet porn is leading the way in this industry making it as easy as possible to consume content. In reality, it’s only a matter of time before some genius finds a way to link your VR app or video to your fleshlight for a more full on simulated experience.
So just like what Lisa Ann and Sylvia Saint did for video players during the dawn of the new millennium, porn is once again helping to drive tech innovations in VR video capturing, ‘interactivity’, and consumption. There is only one real downside.. Sadly, I feel like this new next generation is NOT properly prepared to receive its blessings.
That is because there has been no proverbial older brother offering guidance to the youths in this new and confusing world. I’ve been looking around to find some sort of pragmatic guidance about the do’s and don’ts of this new technology, but I couldn’t really find anything practical so this responsibility has fallen on me to bring them into the fold. Brace yourselves gentlemen, because I’ve done extensive research on this topic (take that how you may), and I’ve devised a few notable tips that I thought were worth sharing. Doing anything in an isolated environment has innate perils. Not being able to see the real world has certain risks, and I’m going to walk you through them and also how to avoid them.
First — Plan ahead.
Build a library. Whether that is bookmarking stuff you’ve come across while you’re browsing on your desktop. Down load it in advance so when you’re ready to fap you’re not fumbling with finding the right high quality streaming experience. Start stockpiling your VR Media locally. Plan Ahead. Just think about how much time you spend finding the ‘right’ video through traditional webpages. I know I’m not alone when I say sometimes my tastes are so specific and I’m so picky about what I rub one out to that you could classify me as a goddamned porn snob. You don’t really have that luxury in VR. Imagine sifting through a library like that while you’re wearing a device on your head and the joystick in your hand is not attached to your body.
You only have a small window to get greased off, because your significant other or your mom or roommate said they were just heading to the store. Some sites like xhamster, pornhub, naughty america, and other sites even make apps catered to your device so you can download the experience directly onto your VR headset so you don’t waste time. I know it requires a bit of planning, so while you’re waiting to queue up in Overwatch, just start the download. If I had to make a suggestion, I would steer away from streaming since the quality can be a bit poor and also the experience can be interrupted since the files are rather large — so find what you’re into and download it onto a thumb drive or hide it in a secret folder for ease of use later.
Second — Use protection.
Guys, invest in condoms. Listen, as vulgar as this may sound you are in it to win it, and ‘winning it’ means there will likely be some form of clean up required after the deed is done. Look, I didn’t want to have to spell it out but you will not be able to see your own sick let alone aim it properly. Unless you also plan to keep your favorite rag draped over your knee and can guarantee to net all of the fluids, trust me when I tell you it is easier to just put a jimmy on. The last thing you want to do is have someone touch a glob of unknown viscous substance around your battlestation that you forgot to clean up. Buy condoms, make sure their the extra-lubricated kind, and go to town. Your socks and your undershirts will thank you.
Third — Get situated.
Maybe this should be listed first, but please LOCK THE DOOR. You are going to be in an environment where people can potentially be in your presence without your knowledge. No one likes being interrupted. Especially if they don’t know they’ve been interrupted[ See cover photo]. If this sounds like a disaster scenario, that is because it is. Outside of injuring yourself, being walked in on in the middle of a stroke session is something you can’t recover from. I just pray that the person who walks in on you isn’t the viral video social media worldstar hip hop posting type. Did I sufficiently scare you? Good. Lock the fucking door.
Losing your orientation is also easy in VR so you’re going to want to put some form of tactile location indicator in your vicinity on the floor around you. Use a pillow, a rough patch on the rug, a shoe, a towel, just use something you can touch with your feet to let you subconsciously distinguish which way is ‘front’ and which way is facing the door you forgot to lock.
Fourth — Immerse yourself.
You’re in virtual reality with your dream girl, ACT LIKE IT. Once you’ve locked the door, of course. After that, you can start by cleaning your lens for god’s sake. I’d imagine it’s going to get foggy in there, so those forehead smudges and food particles on the lens won’t help your immersion factor either. As a matter of fact, take this time to go on to Amazon and invest in anti-fog lens cleaner and a plastic attachable facial cover for your device. This makes cleaning a lot easier. Wear headphones, Not earbuds. FULLY immerse yourself, and if you’ve watched ASMR videos on Twitch/YouTube then you already know the value that good crisp HD audio can add to an environment.
Lastly, turn off the lights or close the blinds. There is nothing more distracting that looking down in a POV Scene and seeing light from the outside world creep in next to the bridge on your nose. Remember the goal here is to be fully immersed so we want to cut back on outside influences and distractions.
Fifth — Destroy the Evidence.
There is always a paper trail. VR Porn is like the wild wild west unfortunately for you everyday casual VR is too new to know how you might be expose your online activities to the world. It can potentially be way too easy to accidentally hit a virtual share button. So be careful. Luckily there are very few shareable experiences, but the last thing you want to do is to be in a virtual BDSM dungeon and have your browser history automatically posted to your timeline, or perhaps pulled up in a group setting when you’re demoing VR to friends and family.
Lastly, don’t name your gear. If you’re like me you’ve named the various luxury items you own like your car, your boat, and your gaming rig. Most of us name our hobby tools so why not our VR rigs, right? Separate to naming your car which you flaunt in public, your relationship with VR is a more private and intimate experience. It may be a hobby to you or something you may not be proud of admitting you engage in depending on the circles you run in. So like the mistress you have, don’t give it credence by giving it a name. Why think of it in this way? Because, admit it — VR is your mistress already. You’re sure thinking about it when you’re with your significant other. You secretly show friends pictures of it, brag about it, and they nod and smile with approving jealousy and hushed curiosity. When your significant other is out of town, or life’s obligations are taken care of you call it up and spend prolonged periods of time in it. Remember, this is a tool for pleasure. Don’t personalize it. Because you really don’t want to wind up like this dude..
Follow these rules and you will at least be able to enjoy virtual porn without committing any major conflicts in your household. I swear! Bookmark this page, because I promise you that this list is going to come in handy once your toys are capable of syncing up with your virtual masturbation experience. Haptic suits are already in development and I’m sure the people over at flesh light might want in on that game. Whether VR180 or fully 360 is your kick, if there any tips that I may have missed please let me know, because I’m always looking to expand my knowledge base.
