Fatwa Fun

Anwar Haider was in hiding last night after becoming the last living Pakistani not to have a fatwa issued against him.

According to unconfirmed reports, he fled his home shortly after 9pm, when the only other person to enjoy this distinction, Asif Qamar, was issued with an edict of death for appearing in public without a shuttlecock burqa.

A representative for the DFC (Death by Fatwa Council) had this to say about Qamar: “Our most recent fatwa has come under a lot of scrutiny, most of which has been very unfair. Of course we are aware that Asif Qamar is not a mercilessly oppressed woman, but he does have the prettiest hair in the land and has received repeated warnings to cover up his gorgeous curls. It was only after he did not heed our admonitions that we were forced to take measures against him.”

The hunt for Anwar Haider is now on. “It is imperative that he be brought in. After he has been apprehended we will inspect him for signs of moral failure or depravity. Once we find a fault, he will be declared worthy of death. There is no place for normal decent people here and our job is to make sure things stay that way,” said the same representative.

A neighbor who is under death sentence for having a blasphemous nose—blamed on his ‘confounded heretical genes’—depicts Haider as a man of unconventional ideas. “He always had these fantastical notions that religion was a private matter,” he says. “I told him ‘Bhai listen to the Maulawis, anyone who talks this much nonsense can’t be wrong.’ But he said he didn’t trust them.”

What next after Haider? The DFC say they plan to move onto mannequins. “This lot don’t cover up at all unless somebody actually dresses them. As you can see there is still plenty of work to be done. Like our motto says: Wherever there’s a mullah, there’s a fatwa.”

Few remain to disagree.