“In that moment, I swear we were infinite”

Last night I went out with two of my soulmates, one of which I have just ‘discovered’ for a week or so. I knew instantly that we are so alike: nerdy, witty and humorously lame (if that is possible, and yes for us it is), and beyond it all, we are fragile and broken.

We all have our stories, and somehow our stories synchronized. It boils down to us being sensitive and self-destructive. All the love that we gave, we can give and want to give is ginormous. I cannot describe the effort each of us put into the special someone, and how much it ruined us inside, even though on the outside, we act totally heartless and carefree. We joked about how we got hurt, about how the other hurt us. We laughed about it, but we cannot cry, no matter how badly we were wounded. The crying part has fallen somewhere along the road trip of moving on. We loved and have been loving so much that we are willing to take all the bullets. We blame ourselves for not doing the right thing, for doing the right thing and are not appreciated, for letting go, for holding back, for loving and for being loved. And we blame ourselves, for being hurt (ridiculous as it may seem).

But overall, we still have so much love to give.

So much, that we all crave a crush, just so we can invest in that person emotionally, so we have someone to care about, to comfort, to prove to ourselves that we are still worth something, that we still have emotions. Prove to ourselves that we have not become numb from the pain we endured.

Sharing a story with someone who has been there, and most importantly who are compatible with you on a soul level, was nothing I can describe in words. Listening to our whiny indie songs, getting drunk and lying on our back watching the brightly lit neons, was infinite. Words are redundant. In that moment, we were infinite.

April 7, 2016

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