Pair Of Contact Lenses Conspire To Fuck Up One Guy’s Day

BREAKING — A pair of contact lenses have just been arrested and charged with Conspiracy To Really Fuck Up A Day. The lenses have been identified as twin disposable contacts Dexter and Cecil Oculus, both estimated to be about -2.0 myopic. They are currently in custody awaiting trial. Bail is set for $1,000,000 each. The victim chooses to remain anonymous.

After having slept through their alarms early this morning, the victim had to rush out the door as fast as possible to make a necessary appointment. Little did they know, the contact lenses they needed to insert had a dastardly plot brewing.

Upon insertion of the right lens, Dexter, he immediately folded in half and hid inside the upper eyelid. In a frustrated hurry, the victim attempted to tend to the other eye while blinking rapidly in hopes of dislodging the first. Much to their surprise, Cecil repeated his brother’s actions, taking respite inside the upper left eyelid.

The victim was temporarily blinded and lost precious time trying to remove the lenses from the interior of their eyes and suffered severe discomfort in the process. EMTs quickly arrived on the scene to help remove them and ensured the victim was both physically and mentally safe and stable before sending them off to their appointment with glasses on.

If found guilty, the Oculus twins will receive a sentence of life in the bathroom wastebasket with no chance of parole.