468 Résumé Mistakes You Are Making Right Now

  1. Your Internet Presence 
    Do you have an internet presence? You may want to rethink that. Try having less of an internet presence, in fact, try having less of a presence altogether. Maybe you should kill yourself?
  2. The Right Template
    There are literally thousands of different resume designs and templates out there, are you using the right one? How can you be sure your resume won’t be negatively judged on sight? That’s easy! Find out who is hiring for the company you are applying to, follow him or her around for a few days, paying special attention to the mechanics of the office. What floor are they on? Where does their trash go when it’s emptied? If you’re good at your job you will find out where and you will collect their trash. See which resumes they are throwing away and then DON’T USE THOSE TEMPLATES. See, it’s that easy.
  3. Consider the Reader’s Interest
    You want to captivate your audience. Are you just rattling off accomplishments or degrees? Are you trying to match your qualities to the specific ones they are looking for? Are you just pathetically trying to get some stranger to like you? You might be wasting your time. Employers want to hire someone who is not only self-aware but someone who is tuned into the pulse of society. Give them what they really want to read, The Winds of Winter. That’s right, if you provide at least one or two pages of this I guarantee Mr. or Mrs. HR won’t dismiss you. You can even use a smaller font to fit more on the page.
  4. Exposing Your Experience
    Have you been working professionally for a really long time? Well good for you, but keep that to yourself. If you admit that, you’re just admitting you’re old—and no one likes old people. They smell weird and they don’t know how to use snap chat. Try only listing your most recent accomplishments, like if you got out of bed today and wiped your butt after #2, start there. This shows you’re focused and you follow through.
  5. Exposing Your Inexperience
    Are you entering the workforce for the first time or changing from one field to another after years of employment? This happens all the time (allegedly). No one is going to hire you without experience so you should probably find a hypnotist and become hypnotized to believe you are a good liar. Now that you think you’re a good liar, you can lie and say you have experience—just don’t get caught lying. They will fire you if they find out you lied. This is why you need a hypnotist.
  6. Are You a Mind Reader?
    I am and I already know your answer is ‘No’ even before you answered. You might want to consider being a mind reader.

Ready to uncover the other 462 mistakes you’re making right now that are costing you the dream job you deserve? I’m ready to tell you. Please send check or money order to the address below and you will be mailed an exclusive brochure, detailing step-by-step how you can unmake these classic mistakes.